Chiang Mai – semi-lockdown Day 1

I feel sad today. Really sad! I’m not sure how people feel when they are sad. My sadness is very physical. Often when they use expressed term ” With a heavy heart “, I’m the person who felt that heaviness in my chess. So heavy sometimes I feel I cannot breath.

I don’t feel like speaking, or I lost all the appetite and food doesn’t taste anything to me. I hear my heart poundings.

When I’m sad, my whole body is sad with me. It’s not in my head, it’s all over the body from top to toe. My sadness is also quite interesting, it’s like growing on me. Takes 3 days for it to reach full peak ? Or it’s not full peak yet?

I’m not sad because of the lockdown or because ppl are leaving, I’m sad because of something else. But that’s another story.

I went to the hospital to continue the treatment that I cannot continue in Bangkok. My blood pressure went straight to the roof, It was 141 / 87. The highest I’ve ever seen in my entire life. The nurse took my blood pressure 2 times over 30 minutes just to make sure, but it stays the same. My heart rate is though very low, 60 . Usually it’s about 76. I can still hear my heart poundings.

I have very bad headache today, the kind of headache my dad used to tell me when you blood pressure is high. I cannot do the blood test today because my blood pressure is still too high.

I was wondering if the sadness brings the blood pressure up ? Or the stress about not knowing what’s gonna happen bring my blood pressure up so high.

Since it’s the new doctor, I need to start my entire history with the doctor again. I was telling her that my body seems to be didn’t recover from the abortions last year. I always mention the incident with the word “abortions”.

This doctor though asked me: ” Besides the baby that you aborted, how many babies do you have? ”

The question hits me for 5 seconds, I’ve never mentioned or imagined I would call “that” a baby. A small questions that follow with a little bit of guilt.

Besides that, the doctor ask me to stop all medication for 7 days to come back to draw the blood test. She thinks I might have Addison syndrome.

I couldn’t lift myself up today, this sadness and this headache pounding on my head makes me feel really tired.

Chiangmai is on semi-lockdown all stores are closed, except restaurants and market, but you can only take away.

There’s officially no flight between Thailand and Vietnam. I signed up for the form that the Vietnamese government has issued, figure it would be awhile till they allow the citizen to go back.

I need to go back to sleep now. I might need to get a blood pressure machine tomorrow if things doesn’t change.

PS: On the drive back from the hospital today, all I can think in my head was I want to call my Dad so much, to tell him about my Hypertension. I want it so badly.