Chiangmai Semi Lock down day 3

Starting from tomorrow, Thailand will officially enter “State of Emergency” for 1 month. The details are unclear, some say curfew from 6PM to 7 AM, then later from 8 PM to 5AM. I couldn’t find anywhere in English to read about this, but my teacher told me so. I guess the official information will come tomorrow. One of the important thing is they don’t allow people to go from one province to another anymore. That will be helpful.

My teacher sat me down today, his name is Sakorn, he and his girlfriend has a small food shop in the place he rented. He told me, with his very serious face in Thai: Sky, I don’t want you to go anywhere except your home and my shop. I don’t want you to leave San Kamphaeng area, I don’t want you to go away in the radius around 2 km. Because we don’t know who has Covid. I want you to be safe. Don’t go to the mountain, don’t go to the spring, stay around here.

He speaks a lot, but I can understand about 70% of what he said in Thai. But I can hear clearly he said: “Phỏm mấy yạk khun pay nãy arrày.” which means “I don’t want you to go anywhere but here” Very loud and clear. He said he consider me his family, so stay safe together with him and Mày (his girlfriend).

They are very worried for their future with this Covid, he doesn’t get paid at the Muay Thai gym. The food shop doesn’t make much money actually close to Zero. I tried really hard helping them today, making food for the remaining foreigner around the area. We get their contact through Whatsapp, then send the special food that she made on the day. It seems like it’s gonna work. We sold to 7 people today 🙂 . It makes her really happy and in turn, I’m happy too.

I was rewarded a special food called : ” Larb Head ” made of mushroom and thính gạo. I don’t know how to say it in English.

The doctor at Bangkok hospital thinks that eating vegan is not good for me, since there’s not enough protein. I started introducing meat to my meals again for 2 days. I like eating it, just I don’t feel good after eating it. I want to either go back to vegan diet or go on a water fasting for 15 days. Starting tomorrow ( maybe ! )

I’ve been thinking about trying to write my blog in Vietnamese. I don’t know why and how, but my brain seems to work better writing in English? Or because I’m frustrated, I cannot think in Vietnamese? I notice that today, when I’m anxious or when I’m frustrated, somehow thinking and speaking in English makes me feel calmer. Strange eh?

Though my day end with a happy note, I woke up with the heavy heart today. As soon as I open my eyes, one question comes to my mind: I don’t know if I have it in me, I’m not sure if I have it in me, I’m not sure if I have enough strength in me to get through this. I don’t know if I have any gas left in my tank to keep on trying for our relationship.

I went into our relationship with a mentality: I’m not good at this, I failed too many times. I want to learn, I want to be a better person and a better lover. So I tried, real hard, really really really hard. Problem is, maybe I tried way too hard. I tried way too hard that it’s exhausted for both me and him.

Over the last couple days, I realized how important this relationship to me. How much I feel my life is intertwined with his life. I kept on trying hard without even taking a pause and access the current situation. I have come to considered him the closest human beings on earth. I realize how much I’m dependent on him without even acknowledging it.

I realize that I was able to feel safe and happy because he has created an anchor for me through all this time. It’s true that I need a safe space, a physical safe space, but I also need a safe space in my head, and my safe space was him.

I was hurt terribly when words were spoken. It felt to me like it was explicitly used with the whole intention to hurt me. And for a person to do that, probably, was hurt by me a lot, and in turn, explosion or revenge was sought. Follow by long, long, long pause of silence with wounds remain hidden. I’ve been on this game before, I know how it will play out.

First, there will be lack of open and honest communication with each other. Then it will slowly erode the intimacy and emotional safety of the relationship. Overtime, the disconnection, though not verbalized, will become painful. Then we will fall out of love.

I know that, so I tried talking about it, our relationship is important to me, and I would like to try despite the heartache. However, being on the receiving end of of silence is hard. Silence is a deliberate choice. No one is yelling or using disrespectful language. But it is a choice, I can’t help but thinking, the message sent through silence is: You have ceased to matter. You’re not worth my time or my attention.

Thus, the question: I don’t know if I have it in me or not.