Thailand Emergency state – Chiangmai Semi Lockdown day 4

We spoke yesterday. I didn’t write about this because I want to have a little bit of time to reflect on what was spoken between us. In between words, I can hear a long for caregiving of “Let me know you are safe and healthy, and I am content” . Or perhaps it can also be an excuse or a way to distract himself from seeing what is bothering me.

I have come to understand the basic lesson about communication: “Different person can have totally different realities. Different world-view will also color the perception of the situations”. My reasoning might not make sense to the other and vice versa.

It’s very difficult to try and find empathy for each other when our realities do not match, especially when it’s already colored through our biases and blind spots. For example, I seem to be attached to a physical place that I have made my own, aka “Safe Space”. I will act crazily and irrationally when these attachment got threatened, i.e : immediately rejecting to go back without thinking, or without considering my partner’s feeling. This I will need to work on my own as the Space becomes a Safe Space only when I make it. I should be able to create a different Safe Space that is more accessible.

During our conversation, I can hear and now come to understand that, his love language is giving care to those loved one. I deliberately made it impossible to for him to do so. I choose to stay away, and I choose to do things on my own. Not once, but many times, through our times together.

I would be frustrating and would have gone crazy if I were him. It must have taken an enormous amount of patience, forgiveness and suppression of frustration to go this far. On the normal circumstances, he might be able to continue to do so. But during this difficult times, with the extra stress and worrisome, no wonder how this balloon of suppression has erupted. I understand this pain.

It must have been similar to that my love language is “giving presents”, and once my presents got rejected. I felt deeply hurt, and that’s just one time. Imagine repeatedly got rejected like that, I don’t think I would last at all.

He must have felt helpless, lonely and betrayed by me. I betrayed the pact that I have made with him while entering our relationship, that we would be together especially through difficult times. I didn’t pay enough attention to understand the message.

I just wish though he could express his frustration and feelings a little bit better for me to understand. I’m very bad at reading people’s mind, especially when a person purposely choose to mask it with reasons and excuses.

A week ago, instead of asking me to come home, he could tell me: “I feel lonely and helpless, I feel like you are making it impossible for me to take care of you, and I want to have you by my side.” I would be on my way to the airport within couple hours and catch the first flight home. Because he’s important to me, and his happiness is very important to me. I myself, also long for a hug, a long tight hug.

Yesterday, I mentioned that Silence is a deliberate choice. Silence is very destructive. Silencing is very confounding and quite frankly – Frustrating. Now that I think more about it, to make the choice to be silent is also difficult. I think people stonewall not because they are invincible but because they are afraid and fearful of showing their vulnerabilities.

I was feeding a stray kitten yesterday, he was very hungry, but he kept on hiss and scowl at me, probably because he doesn’t want me to hurt him. At the same time, still longing for the food on my hands. Perhaps, this is a better way to understand stonewalling or silencing.

It must have been extra difficult and extra painful when the silent partner cannot express his feelings. It might be even more difficult than the receiving end.

Finally, I think I can I understand and be able to empathize for his feelings. I feel a tremendous amount of love and care for him. I just want to give him a very tight hug and tell him: I know, it must have been very hard on you. I’m very sorry. I’m here and I’m not going anywhere.