Life, but not as I knew it. I came back a different person to a very different Bangkok. 

I took a long walk this morning, arriving back to a city that has been radically transformed by Covid-19 in the time I was away. I walked toward my old apartments, going through the same pavements that I took every single morning and thinking to myself: “Oh wow! It’s really different, isn’t it” 

The emptiness of the pavement, the missing noise from the train, the chaos at the intersection, the mask on people’s face, the door that remained closed. This is not the Bangkok that I used to know. 

I arrived in Bangkok this day last year, April 18th 2019. Actually, now that I recall the memory, I was supposed to arrive in Bangkok on April 18th departing from Da Nang. Due to the last minute sale of my mother’s house, the departure was then delayed one more day. I officially arrived in Bangkok the night of April 19th, 2019. My partner, as a favor to me, has flown from Saigon to Hoi An, then from Hoi An to Bangkok, just to help me move. We moved 2 boxes, he even helped me unpack and hang my clothes.  He was so busy at the time that when we reached the apartment, he works non-stop on his computer, but he helped me anyway. How loving and adorable :). These small things give me butterflies. It’s like the way he said I love you without even saying it. I was really really sad when he had to leave the next morning on April 20th. I almost want to ask him if he can stay another day. It was 8 AM in the morning, we went on the same train, I went to my morning orientation, and he went to the airport to catch the next flight back to Saigon. I didn’t want to go back to the apartment after my orientation finish, because I know he wasn’t there, I went to the bookstore instead. 

I have a bad memory, I forget stuff, but I will never forget how he helped me in my very first day in Bangkok. I can recall exactly what happened, what we ate. I was a little bit frightened, a little bit anxious, a little bit worried, but his presence makes all that go away. 

One year after, having lived in the South, then the North, I came back Bangkok again, unplanned and unexpected. This time, I went alone. I still have 2 boxes, but the boxes are now being sent by the post office so I don’t have to carry it. I’m a different person, I can listen and understand Thai. In the past 2 months, living with P’Mai she has taught me so much about Thai food, that when I went to the market this morning, I saw stuff with a different set of eyes. I understand how the vegetable are cooked together, I understand the usage of each bottle of flavor. I imagine, if my partner was to be here with me, how different it would be from last year. We would run the trail I did in the morning, or we would scout the bookstore, or simply just sitting by this couch and read a book together. Unfortunately and sadly, we are separated by country borders and probably, also by the wall of our hearts. But that’s another story to be told. 

I still very down. I woke up this morning, and I want to shake the sadness and the pain out of me. It has been long enough, I’m not built to be sad this long. I told myself: “ Chản bựa mắk”, (funny thing, I started thinking in 3 different languages now) like I’m so bored with my sorrow, can I be bored with my own feelings? I went out, I bought my most favorite boiled corn (Khao pốd) in the whole wide word, yet, I didn’t even bother to eat it. 

This feeling, it’s a friend, but sometimes it’s like an enemy. It’s like a disease, it’s sucking the energy out of me, sucking out my will to live, sucking the light in my eyes. I don’t even want to look at myself in the mirror.

I met my old friend from a very long time ago. This friend goes by the name “Existential Crisis”. I’m not suicidal, not like I want to take a scissors and cut my hands and make a dramatic death. What I’m struggling with is living. Living is tiring, exhausting, and very painful. So why do we have to all live? Why do I have to live? Why do I have to find a purpose? Why do I have to work? Why do I have to eat? Why do I have to breath? Why do I have to learn how to breath? 

I’m constantly confused. My teacher said, confused is good, confusion helps you grow. 

At 31, I’m still not very good at being a regular adult, but that’s quite okay I think.