She feels sad. The kind of sadness that is so deep, so heavy, so penetrating that I don’t know how to express it. It’s the kind of sadness that feels so cold, so lifeless, so dark. The kind of sadness that even the saddest word in the entire English vocabulary that can describe even a tiny of it. It’s the kind of sadness that it took her 5 minutes just to breathe after every sentence is written down.
She cannot even begin to describe or explain why she feels like this. She was packing and packing and packing until she can’t anymore. The clock has passed 12:00 AM marking the new day has come, the last day she’s in Thailand. She hasn’t felt well today, she has a bit of a fever this morning that she was almost refused to enter the restaurant. It’s the first day that restaurant are allowed to open, and she thought having a meal outside of the home will replenish her. She took the last bit of her remaining ginseng and the fever seems to disappear.
Earlier in the day, Phuong, one of her best friend before, called and talked with her for almost two hours while she was trying to finishing the packing. Phuong came from the similar family as her, Phuong also has huge problem with her mother. Phuong has successfully ran away from home and live in the far away Vancouver on the other side of the earth. Yet, Phuong is still struggling with her mother everyday. Phương needed a set of ear, someone could truly understand her problems. And she needed to focus on something else otherwise she’s drowning slowly in her own dark alley like now.
Phuong: You and I, Mai, we don’t belong anywhere. We are like these small fragile boat that sail into the ocean, and just float without nowhere to turn back to. I feel like I’m the beginning and the end of my story, the story that has only me. I’m emotional disabled, damaged and afraid.
Mai: You reminded me of the sentence that wrote a long time ago: “The truth is I’m always alone, I’m afraid I will always be alone, because I don’t know how else to me”
They spent hours talking about the struggles in their lives, and they don’t know how to solve it. The push of forced love of their mother on them. Their mothers for the better half of their life spending time scolding, yelling, criticizing them suddenly switch and ask for love from them. Being embedded with societal obligations and values, the only thing they could do is to keep silent and hide in their hard shell, like they used to do.
She hung up the phone and feeling even sadder than ever. She wanted to call her partner straight after, but afraid he’s gonna start pouring down words on her, it will ended up with her pleading him for a truce and to please use a kinder words to her. She turned on her phone, and the turned off her phone, she doesn’t think that she has the energy to deal with that kind of negativity. It will break her.
Then she continued with her packing, taping, writing and then packing again.
She felt more lonely than ever. Not because she was packing alone, or it’s a hard job. It’s because she has no one to call. She has become so afraid of her partner that no matter how much she wanted to talk to him, she couldn’t find herself to even send a text for a small connection. She doesn’t want her feelings to be dismissed again. It’s tiring to explain how she’s allowed to feel.
She almost finished with her packing but found herself so exhausted that she couldn’t continue. She felt like she needed to write her thoughts down, otherwise her mind is gonna go in a very dark road deep inside her. She felt hollow, disabled, self-pity, and lifeless.
It’s 12:59 AM, the city is as empty as her soul.