Quarantine Camp Day 11

It’s 3 AM and I hasn’t been able to sleep since midnight, I’m very much awake. It has been 3 days that I woke up at midnight and fully awake.

Ever since the last post writing my distress, I felt better and better everyday. I think the act of me writing the negative thoughts out, sort of like cleansing my mind. Though I’m still suffering, but with a better mindset. Like now, instead of complaining about the hard bed, and the open door, I choose to do something more productive. Because I’m living in a room of 4, I can confidently sit up and write without being afraid of the unknown.

I haven’t really kept up my writing in here because during the day, the room gets so noisy, I couldn’t focus on hearing my thoughts. But I know I am better.

It’s already day 11 in camp, normally I would say time fly so fast, I couldn’t notice it. This time, not so much . It was long, hard and painful 11 days. My statement still stays true, this is the hardest thing that I’ve ever done in my life. Harder than camping and not showering for 10 days, harder than the period my dad was gone. I wouldn’t say I get used to this, in Vietnamese they’d say “ở lâu rồi quen” , I think I will never get used to this. It’s more like I’m accepting it, I’m suffering but I’m a friend with “suffering” now. I no longer feel miserable.

I have been on water fasting for 11 days, and have not eaten anything since I stepped foot into this place. It started from a reason of my toilet phobia, and I’m pretty picky with food too. I’d say the experience is pretty amazing, well very miserable at first, but now it’s pretty amazing. My mind is much sharper since no blood is devoted for digestion. I spent a good 6 hours straight on the computer, thinking, researching, writing. I was able to almost complete the 1st draft layout plan for my Baking Studio.

My partner recommended me to use Trello to dot down my thoughts, I think that was such a great idea. I’m familiar with Trello, but I mostly use it for work, never on my personal projects. Having written a number of business plan every single semester in college, then some in real life for application, I think writing a business plan is bullshit. Everything we write is just pure illusion, and illusion to support human ego that they can control the outcome. So I never really write much when I start any business, everything stays in my mind, or my notebook. Having been using Trello, I think is a better approach. I didn’t really write a normal usual business plan, I still do the same way I did, notes and ideas on my mind, but presented in a better way and more accessible.

One of the reason I feel better being here in the last couple days is because I’m feeling productive. Being productive with my time has definitely uplifted my spirits. The busier I am, the happier I become. It feels like I’m not built for being free. The thought of not doing anything productive till I can finish my course in France kills me. As “learning and growing” is a value that close to my heart, doing nothing goes against my core.

When I start a new business, I immersed in what I do, right now there’s probably 5 things that still running on the back of my head to find a proper solution. I will write it down when the ideas is being fully formed. It’s usually easier and faster if I have a person who can understand what I’m doing to throw the idea back and forth, the decision will come out quicker and better.

When someone start their new projects or business, it’s a usual common reaction to feel reluctant, fear and afraid. I am the opposite of that. Not only am I afraid, but also does feel excited. I just want to jump right in and start already. That explains why I do as much as I can when I’m stuck in here, so I can start faster. The immersion gets really strong and extreme, Tim described it to me once before, like a tank, that will crushed over everything on the way. To be honest, I still get the same excitement, the same exact feelings. I am now learning not to act on it, I want to start listen.

One example about this immersion was I had an chat with one famous fortune teller recommended by my friend, she said that if I want to open the studio now, there will be struggles and difficulties. I need to check back with her in 2 or 4 months to see if it’s okay to open. Know what I think? I will still do what I’m gonna do without even thinking twice about her words.

It’s 4 AM now, and I’m still super awake, I guess that’s it for my sleep today.

I will write about my dream baking studio in the next post.