According to Immanuel Kant, an moral action is to be distinguished from an immoral one by the fact that it is performed out of duty regardless of the pleasure or pain involved.

I’m behaving morally only when I do something without consideration of what I may get in return for it, when I’m guided solely by duty

The essence of Kant’s theory is that morality is found exclusively in the motive from which the act is perform. To love someone is moral only when that love is given free of any expected return. If that love is given simply for the sake of giving love.

I have been pondering on the concept of morality versus love for quite sometimes, as I was trying to figure out if I am has fallen into the vicious circle of victimized myself. I think I did.

I may have implied that Camel is immoral simply because he did not return the work I pour into our relationship. But was he to blame in a moral sense to spurning these? But if the giver derives as much pleasure from giving as much as we receiving, is there really a case for using moral language?

In fact, the act of giving love and care has brought me tremendous amount of pleasure. Having someone to care for, to send food, to listen to in fact is a selfish act. Was I better than Camel simply because I love him? Of course, not.

I had made them, because it made me happy to do so. I had not matyred myself, I had acted solely because it has matched perfectly with my inclination, because it is not a duty.

In other words, I am actually the narcissist in the relationship. Someone who kept asking for attention of the work I have done.

I’ve done the work, therefore you have to say thank you and pay attention. I need you to satisfy my urge of an inflated sense of importance. Our relationship has lasted until now because of me.

Obviously, that’s not the case, but at some points, I have fallen into the trap of thinking so. No wonder, my relationship has fallen ill, because I have choked and squeezed all the air out of it.

There should be a balance in all aspect, but I probably was feeding myself this idea so much that I completely disregard other aspects and hypnotized myself into thinking I’m in the right, and everyone else is in the wrong.

I am the egocentral moralizer judging him according to my interest. My moral code was a mere suplemation of my desire, a platonic offense if there was one.

In the sum of my righteous despair, I asked: is it not my rights to be love, and it’s not his duty to love me? How could we use the power of language to describe the rights to be loved? Was it romantic terrorism, or romatic fascism?

Morality must have its boundary. I have gone so far off its boundary.

No wonder my relationship has not become better, but fallen ill and then died. By reading a bunch of book and theory, my ego has picked the right one that can support my arguments in the right way.

One of the constant message that I repeated with Camel is I’m trying very hard on this relationship. Even I can hear myself repeated, but I can’t seem to find the reason why, it made sense but also didn’t make sense. Sort of like I’m the savior and he needs to applaud me for my work.

I’m frustrated not because I’m stuck, more about I didn’t get the compliments I was looking for. Such an ego manic I am.

At this point, I felt very bad for Camel. He must have been suffocated under the inflated self righteouness person like I am. Worse, I equipped myself with bunch of theory and philosophy that made it impossible for him to fight back. All he can do is to sit back and receive my harsh judgment.

I will ponder and explore more on this idea.