I just woke up through a quick nap down in the living room of the gym. I was too tired to climb up the stairs to be in my bedroom, plus, it seems like doing so will add on the sorrow in my soul.

I was in and out of consciousness with 1 million thoughts going through my mind, all of which lead to the conclusion that I’m in pain. This time around, I’m not fighting with my pain, I’m very in tune with whatever is happening inside my body. I’m not fighting with myself, but rather comforting myself, trying to find the way that make me feel the most easy. I’m trying to listen to myself to figure out what can I do to help facilitating this transitioning process.

It’s hard, it’s not easy. Even if I’ve been through this many many times, but the feeling is exactly the same like the first time around. The difference is the more I go through with it, the more I understand it. Feelings and emotions for me are like times on the clock. No matter how hard I tried, they are as firm as mountains. They come and go as they pleased. The pain and the pleasure they brought with them is not according to my term. The only thing I can do is to let myself be at ease with whatever the brought.

I realized I have grown tremendously, I can distinguish more granular emotions, and understand more deeply. In other words, I can see the recognize the subtle differences among various emotions, seeing the deeper layer, the actual reason not some egotistical statement like I used to apply: I can do shit all by myself, I don’t need you help. ( with the implied F U)

During the surge of emotions, I was able to express myself in a more honest, heart to heart way. In which I was never able to do so. My partner ( or ex boyfriend now – now that I need to get used to this term) told me that he wants to support me during this time of setting up my new place. The conversation goes like this.

Camel: Recently I know that you are busy and has a lot of work, I want to support you during this period. After you have settled down, and be in good place, after that I will be on my way. Or perhaps after 6 months, you cannot do good in the place, then we will see.
Mai: I understand, thank you for thinking of me and wanting to support me. But ..
Camel: But you don’t NEED it
Mai: Of course I need it, I need all the help I can get. Doing things alone is not an easy task. But ..
Camel: But you don’t WANT it, you don’t LIKE it
Mai: of course I want it, and I like it. Let me repeat again, I need, I want and I like your support ( just as any human with a soul does). But I also need to look out for me, if you come and support me, then in my studio, your image will be very vivid in everything I do. Kinda like a constant reminder of you, every bit you did will leave a piece of you, and all that left will be just me and the memories. And it will be very difficult for me to move on, to go out there and search for my soulmate. For that reason, I don’t think supporting and being on the receiving end of support will do us any good.

For the first time in my life, I was able to say what is true to my heart and it’s not being covered by some stupid crazy egotistical statement such as I can live fine, I can do anything, I don’t need your pitiness. I was able to face the hardship, and see things for what it is, revealing my vulnerability in order to express myself. I was able to say the word outright, let’s breakup.

It helps a lot, it helps me understand my pain on the deeper level.

I want to grow, in order to do so, I need to understand my pain. I think I’m starting to get a hang of it.

I want to grow to the next level of being in a committed relationship, in order to do so, I need to go through the pain of leaving something’s not working, to find something that will work.