I opened my drawer of meaningful things and found this beautiful piece of writings from Camel a year back. It reminds me why did I fall in love with this person and how I am still having hope for our relationship. Well, I’m not sure if it’s an illusion or not, but I still do.

This was the person I felt so deeply attached to, something has changed from there. Something so deep so profound that has changed a person from expressing all the feelings with beautiful language to a person who’s using harsher language in the world. To me, it’s 2 complete personality and I’m not so sure which one is the right one. I’m very confused, in awe and perhaps shocked.

I am a hopeless romantic, and I will forever be. This is exactly who I am. I began to understand Vinny’s feelings and thinkings back then, as I think I am in his exact shoes right now. I feel secured and content so much that I’m not afraid to show my vulnerability or my true self. I’m not afraid to get hurt, actually, I feel more invincible than ever. I wrote a heart to heart letter to Camel, and I’m not afraid of the results.

I didn’t hold back any information, I felt peace. I guess that’s what Vinny must have felt when we decided to part way. I was the person that left of regrets. I was the immature one, I’m not talking about the physical maturity, I’m talking about emotional immaturity. I was the person who’s afraid and holding back. I was the typical avoidant type, I don’t want to get hurt and separated so let’s not get married so we won’t be divorcing each other. That’s just so childish and coward. And worse, I thought I was the brave one, the one who’s “strong” enough to cut tie before things get worse.

Love is an enzyme in life, that makes thing more meaningful and beautiful

Choong, 2019

I think Camel has nailed this in its pure form. It’s so simple, yet sometimes we make it so so so complicated. I want to love, I want to be loved. Actually, more like I need love, I need to be loved. In the recent letter that I wrote to Camel, I said: “Without emotions, I cannot survive”. I think this speaks to the essence of my soul. I’m a very sensitive, fragile soul that feeds on love. Without love, my soul tasted like death.

On the path we took together 2 years back, we both have changed. I’m not so sure that the changes is still a match. As for me, I think I have grown emotionally, I think I have transformed from being an avoidant to become a securely attached lover. I’m proud of myself for the growth that I have achieved so far and I’m excited for more growth to come. I truly believe that I will be happy in life 🙂