I’m exhausted ! Yesterday at around noon, I suddenly feel a drop of my overall body, physically and emotionally. It was too much that I needed to go up and lie down in my room for the whole afternoon. I have been consumed by my work. That’s what I thought on Thursday morning.

Before going to sleep, my last thing is to check the studio, doing little things. The first thing I do is to wake up and then immediately start doing things. My mind is constantly thinking of what to do next. In a way, I’m in a flow, but this flow is so consuming, I’m afraid that I have been consumed by it.

I went to a meditation class on Wednesday, first time ever, I cried during the meditation time. The message was very clear, I don’t allow myself to be happy. There’s something stuck inside me. Like a knot, a twist that doesn’t make me happy. I want to be happy, so badly. I want to feel good.

I think living in the city for so long, with this kind of low energy, I slowly drifted away. I’m not exactly sure what I’m doing.

I slowly lose the urge to talk to Camel, I don’t really think much or do much. A message came through to me during my meditation session yesterday, that I want to say I miss Camel today. It was so clear, so vivid, it was as if my inner wisdom told me so. I felt peace, so I texted him not expecting anything. I think I slowly accepted the fact that what I’m looking for is not in this person. There are people out there who’s fit me better. This time is very different, this breakup is much harder than it used to be. I’m not sure because of the pregnancy, or because of I am now in touch with my emotion, or because I’m getting older, or Choice D : All of the above. In the past, I used to be the one who’s wanting so badly to get out of the relationship. In this one, I feel I’m playing both side. Half of me wanting so bad to get out, half of me wanting so so bad for it to stay and to work.

I felt empty when the night falling down, well, depends on the night. I crave to be hugged so tightly. Some nights are pretty good. I feel successful. Some nights I felt nostalgia. I think the reason I want the relationship to work is because of the previous character of Camel, the softer kind. However, I think it’s the past, the real person right now is very much different from what my imagination led me to. I feel Camel’s pain, in his voice, there’s so much pain, and so much khổ sở. I think it’s my fault, I think I brought out the pain inside him.

Mình mệt thiệt ! Hôm nay tối chủ nhật, mà vẫn còn cảm thấy mệt. Cảm thấy kiệt quệ.