It’s been so long that I have had the space to actually write something on this blog. My mind is very weird, it attached to a good space in order for it to flourish. Today, lying on this comfortable bed and sleep well through the night, I can finally write down all the thoughts that has been wandering around my head. Today, I chose the topic of Anh.

It’s been I think around 3 months that we started talking about breaking up. The day I had the courage to ask the question is on a Sunday, after the food photography class. That’s why, I couldn’t find myself going to that place, we had a photoshoot on Tuesday and Wednesday. I found lots of reason and finally didn’t go there and spend the day. That place I think attached to a painful memory that I want to let go. I was feeling very hopeful for the relationship, I went from having 10% hope to 99% hope and it’s all crashing down through 1 text.

Yesterday I dreamed about Anh again, I don’t know why. I dreamed about my therapist told me exactly the way how to talk with Anh in my dream. I guess that’s my unconsciousness guiding me to talk. The conversation goes like this:

Mai: I have been missing him everyday. It’s very very strange this time around of the relationship. Usually, after about a month, I was able to move on. Like I feel excited to move on and feel good about myself. I was either working on myself or just completely feel unattached to the person. It’s been 3 months, and my thoughts are always goes around him. Even in my dream, I just kept on thinking and missing. I want to tell him that I miss him so much, I want to tell him that please work with me, please don’t give up. I have a strong belief that if we work on this together, we will find a mutual solution. My mind sometimes even tell me that just tell him to let’s just date, and forget about tomorrow.
Unconsciousness: For this person, I guess you need to not speak about emotions. He has decided to remove the emotions out of the conversation. I’m not sure why, perhaps he has gone through a lot of pain and therefore has a fear of abandonment. So he decided to leave first. Sort of like self-fulfilled prophecy. So don’t talk about emotions, you will never get a response from him. Perhaps talk about other things, work, money etc … but not emotions.

I think I see myself in him, a child who has been hurt badly in childhood, a child who’s been rejected of love. Thus, this child has decided that love doesn’t worth anything in this world. Let cut it off and remove it completely. I think I feel a very very deep connection with somebody who’s alike and I have the need to heal that inside him. Despite all the painful words, all the painful actions, I still find my way back.

My emotions takes the better of me. Or to be exact love takes the better of me.