I made a small ceremony yesterday, some sort of very gentle approach in term of honoring the death. We laid out a bunch of things asking the death if they need anything just take them. I’ve never done this before, my father never taught me. I did it, it was okay nice and quite gentle.

There’s a very special moment during which the lady requires to name all of the dead, even the small little unborn baby. I realized I never gave a full name to my daughter, this was the same lady that asked me to name my child. I named her Minh, but never really gave her a full name. I thought of her father, so I just placed his last name in front: Mai Minh. But … hang on a second, her father never once recognize the event or talk about her, it was as if he wanted to deny her existence. Don’t take me wrong, we did this together but I knew he’s more scared, and more afraid than I am. I decided to add one more word, and there it is Phan Mai Minh. I added this word not because of possession, not because of some kind of “bõ ghét”. I added this because I want her to feel welcome. For a child to have to hold the name of someone who’s not welcoming her into his life, it’s a tragedy. By doing this, she has me and she’s bringing with her my father’s name who I know will hold her dearly. I think that will bring peace to her.

I want her to know that I appreciate her existence in my life. I want her to feel love. I want her to know that I embraced her with both my arms. And I want her to know that I thank her sincerely for a short visit.

It was as if she’s my guardian angel who brought down by Camel to remind me of what’s important in life for me. To point me at the right direction.

When my father’s dead, one of the thing I felt really sad about is That my child never gonna have such a cool, awesome, happy grandpa. I used to wish for a grandpa who can play with me. I suddenly realize, the spirit of my father and the spirit of bé Minh have joined hand together. My daughter is having the coolest grandpa in the whole world with him.

I felt happy today :). I think if I could do it again, I still did what I did. I’m not changing a thing.