I have a game, it’s the game that I’ve been playing since I was 13 years old that I will choose a side of my personality and expose that. It started with my English class. In one class, I’m the happy, cheery mingle with everyone, I’m the top of the class. Then I jumped class, I decided that this class I will be the Nerdy one, the one who sat on top, never speak to anyone, and also the best student of the class. I can do both pretty well, the funny thing I think it’s not persona, they are both me.

I grew up continue playing this game, with my exposure I change different scale. On one hand, I was hanging out with the rebels at Uni, you know smoking, skipping class. On the other hand, I complained to my nerdy friend that I only get 95% in mathematics for computing. I should have had more, why can’t I have 100%. Then it gets bigger.

I live in New York, and I was the spoiled kid who shops and her name is Sky

I moved to Denmark, and I was the one who care so deeply about the Earth. I want to save the world. I want to volunteer to work in Jordan. I want to study International Relations to mend the world. My name was Em.

I moved to Hoi An, I was the simple girl, who lives on 1 million a week. I eat normal food, majority of my money is on helping Thor. I went to the market, I cooked my own food, I had a baby. My name is Mận.

I moved to Bangkok, I was a passionate student who’s so crazy about pastry. I asked so many questions the teacher can’t answer, so I have to research myself. I was the top of the class, the one who stands out. My name is Skyler

I moved back to Saigon, and my name is Mai.

Camel witness my Hoi An, and my Bangkok stage. He didn’t agree with my choice. He thought that I don’t have an identity, or more like a person should have had a fixed identity. While I agree with him that for some it works, for me it’s just not. The same conversation goes in my dream class yesterday and I wanted to quote it here.

Mai: I chose to have different identity in different country. Sort of like a game for me. It’s still me, just different part of me
I can be Mận in hoi an someone who works remotely
I can be Skyler in Bangkok someone who is so passionate about pastry

Classmate: I found it fascinating. I have 1 vietnamese name and 1 english name and I’m already tired. How can you handle lots. Don’t you wanna know who are you?

Mai: why do I have to limit myself in one identity. I’m Mai and I’m doing ice cream. Isn’t it all in our head? If it’s all in our head, why can’t I be 10? Who’s forbidden me to do so ?
Classmates: You’ve done so many things but nothing stays, do you feel like you should stay and just build one and keep it to last?

Mai: We can choose shoes, why can’t I choose business try on and take off when it’s not fit? Like I have tried this shoes on size 37, a bit tight, then I tried 38 and 39 and decided that the 38 is best fit. But I need to fit the all 3 to choose the best.

Classmates: Then the next question is how long are you gonna keep on trying? “làm tới khi nào, thử tới khi nào”

Mai: Why do we have to have that question to begin with? Why it has to be tới khi nào? I can also say I will try as long as I want to and as long as I can.

What I meant is I left out to find, and I’m not exactly sure what I need to find but I still go and find. These days I found it very difficult for people to understand me. Especially with my limited ability in language. I think I found it, I think I’m ready to commit. But I can’t promise, truth is I don’t know. Life is a changing thing, and perhaps in 5 years I will change again?