It seemed like when we are sick, all of our senses decrease about 50% , maybe more maybe around 70%. The food taste like .. not food, the smell combined with the pain of breathing in because smell – less, the ear – well has always been not good, so it’s the same.
My mind seems to shut off for couple days now, shutting off as in, I don’t have much to write. I have stayed inside the building for 4 days now except for this afternoon for a visit to the hospital. I guess this is the way my body said it’s tired, and in turn my mind as well.
I think I’ve been complaining a lot about my sickness, it’s not going away anytime soon. So let’s put it aside and speak about something else. Let’s talk about LOVE today.
I stumbled upon a bunch of old photos in the safe from the convenience store I owned 10 years ago. I mean the safe is locked and I couldn’t open it so in a way, it’s like my time capsule. I found photos from my very first boyfriend. I love saving photos of sweet messages, and sweet photos to make a photobook. Up until recently, I still do the same thing. I have an album on my phone where I saved screenshots of love messages, I bought photobook to print out. I mean you name it.
This prove one thing, people never change at least at root. I’m a hopeless romantic and I found it absolutely amazing.
Well, this is Marlon, my first sweet love. I could say we were young in love. Well I was young, he’s born in 1984, so 5 year older than I am. We’d do silly things like changing the status on facebook, then he made it his profile picture. That’s how young and naive we were.
I’m not sure that I love him. I like him a lot, it was fun, but I wasn’t in love. I think he understood about love more than me at that time. I was his right person at the wrong time. I was his love at first sight, then the one that he wanted to get married but I wasn’t ready type.
I wasn’t matured enough to understand love, commitment and family. I’m not sure I understand it now, but at least I got better.
You know we’ll do video call, chat, overnight chat every single minute of the day
Just a thought pop up in my head about my understanding about love, among all the boyfriends that I’ve ever had. I think I love 2 of them, one is Vinny and the other one is Camel. The rest is an imitation of love. I’m not so sure why I come up with this conclusion, it just came to me while I was passing the bridge today.
It’s strange because for each and every relationship I always said I love you, how come I think that I only love 2 of them. Ahhhh, I know, it’s the butterfly. My stomach only got these butterflies out of my stomach when I kiss Camel. It’s like my body is telling me that this person is the right one.
For each and every relationship, I learned a lot. With Marlon, it was freedom. I learned that even though I consciously chose to abide, I would unconsciously goes the other way around. Like I’m not allowed to meet friends at night, not exactly not allowed but more like I have to wait, and he will be unhappy when I’m out by myself. So I chose to sneak around by meeting friends at lunch time. You know, I was most happy when we argued, because I will have the freedom to go out at night time.
In that relationship, I was the young, wild and free one. I was still living under the falsehood of my personality. I thought I was an extreme extrovert who need the party, the booze, the music to feel alive.
These days, I’m the old old old old oldddd soul, who likes to be home, reading books, writing nostalgically. Going to a meditation class makes me happy, learning about dreams brought me peace. It felt like from the time I was 20 till 30, I’ve lived about 5 lives in total. I was thinking to myself: ” Will that shortned my path to enlightenmen? ”