My relationship with the mother has officially shattered into million of pieces. I always thought our relationship is like a mirror with multiple cracks. In a way, I’m a copy of The mother but on the other extreme, like the opposite of the mother.

An incident happened 2 days ago has put the final push that shattered the mirror into the smallest grain possible, that it’s as if nothing exist between us. The tension between me and the mother has risen up since I started moving out, then when I visited back and felt like the untouchables . Then it risen up within myself, when I was sick and not a single moment thought of the mother. I thought of Camel, I wanted a real hug from him, it was as if this is the only person on Earth that I needed in my weakest moment.

Then it completely shattered when I cannot put stuff into my bedroom, the mother put a stop into it. Finally she sent a message saying that I need to come back and talk, I said yes. I kept wondering what’s there to talk about. I don’t feel any kind of attachment with that person, I feel like I wanted to scream : ” Please leave me alone”.

I’m still not fully recovered, I still feel quite tired everyday. But when I’m at work, I’m so consumed with in itself that I don’t really care much about the outside world. Sometimes in the morning I felt so overwhelmed, I want to disappear. Like I don’t want to live to work anymore, I just want all to end.

Thor is coming tomorrow, that means I have one more friend in the house, but also one more task to my already very very heavy day.

We’ll see how we can proceed.