I started having headache for the last week. It’s happening right now, this morning when I woke up I felt so tired, so much in pain that I have to skipped the Yoga Class.

Half of my brain on the right side, especially in the back is in pain. This pain is very strange, it comes in wave. It’s like the ocean wave, come in and gradually stronger then it hits and then stop. I have been dealing with it for the last couple days, but this morning was most intense. I’m describing it right now as I am writing.

I felt exhausted this morning, I’m not sure why I’m exhausted but I am. Maybe it’s because I write something so important yesterday. I’m so tired but I want to write down the observation of my thought this morning.

I think one of the value that I’m keeping right now from the residual of my mother’s reign is as follow:

You are never good enough, you have to try harder to be loved

The thought of this comes from yesterday writing, when I realize that I never actually applaud myself for working so hard. Whenever I thought about my past work, I always thought, I should have done better, I could have done better, I could try harder.

My feeling is this also brought together with the feeling of Tiresome. That life is a task, and no matter how hard I try, it would never approve my work.

At core, this is what’s happening in my mind – that I don’t deserve to be loved, that I need to sacrifice myself, to work, to do for others in order to be recognized.

This essence is what making me who I am, that I’m an achiever. I always strive for better.

But it’s also very tiring. Like today, I feel really really tired. My head is pounding. I’m tired in every cell. But I need to go to work, people at the workplace needs me.

There goes my struggle with life 🙂