Cuối cùng thì mình cũng chịu đem tấm thân mệt mỏi của mình đi chữa bệnh. I found a new doctor, well, he’s a doctor/ healer so he combined both energy and chinese medicine. He’s also my master for singing bowl.
The first thing he said about my body is I have so much “cảm” inside. My neck is swollen, my head has multiple stuck point in which wherever he touch, it hurts me bad. We worked try to relax and open all the stuck point in the top of my head and my forehead. He said: “Có điều gì uất ức mà cứ giữ lại trong mình mãi vậy, hãy bỏ nó ra đi chứ giữ lại trong người làm gì cho khổ mình ra”.
Nghe vậy, mình lập tức biết ngay câu trả lời, mình vẫn còn giữ rất nhiều uất ức với mẹ. Những lời nói oan ức, hay sự kiện gần đây nhất khi mình phát hiện ra mẹ đã painted picture của mình như thế nào.
He then works on my back, when the cupping touches my skin, it immediately turn black. He called me : “Nữ Thần Gió” , which means there’s too much poisonous wind inside me. He said all my back, cơ lưng trên, cơ liên sườn, cơ hoành, all crumble into each other, no wonder why you cannot have a deep breath. Or no wonder why Camel said: ” hơi thở của em rất mệt mỏi”. Here’s the image of my back, I know this kind of color, it’s pitch black like this meaning there’s no blood circulation whatsoever in my body.
I forgot to mention that I felt really tired recently and really tired today particularly. I couldn’t get out of bed until noon, that’s why I have had the time to compose such a long blog post.
Why my master work on my back he said : “ Nhớ thương ai mà để cho cơ thể ra nông nổi này, có nhớ thương ai thì cũng vừa phải thôi chứ để nỗi nhớ ăn mòn mình đến như vầy không ổn tí nào”
Khi nói về uất ức, mình có thể trả lời ngay là mình uất ức với ai, chính xác là vấn đề gì, nhưng nếu nói về nhớ thương, thì mình không thể xác định được là ba hay là Camel. Two of them appears in my head at the exact same time when this question come in place. I can not exactly know who or which one is the one I put in my heart, that my hear yearns for. I think it’s both, why has to be one? I know very well that my Dad has gone, I know very well that me and Camel has broken up. Yet, my heart still long for them.
It doesn’t make me sad, it makes me feel quite warm in the heart. That my heart is still alive, and still know what love is. Though, at times, like right now, I’m 😔 sighing, because it seems like the path my heart wants to go leads to nowhere.
Or… it does make me feel sad as I’m taking the time to feel this vibe of heaviness in my chest. It was as if my heart has too many baggages that at times it doesn’t feel like it’s worth it to live and to fight for another day.
Or because I’m simply lack of love? I want to love and be loved, and I started to think that I need to start going out there, opening my door again, like I used to.