Hi, it’s me again, Mai !

So sorry I have gone AWOL in the past couple days. I stopped practicing mirror looking for 3 full days. Something inside me has stopped myself from communicating with myself.

On the night of March the 1st, I was so sleepy and so tired and whole day that I found myself up in the storage of the store just to find some air, to lie down and feel like I’m okay. The feeling of wanting to lie down and do nothing follows me till night time and I couldn’t find any courage and strength to do the exercise but something was on my mind so I fought with myself to do some voice recordings to note down my thoughts on that day. Here’s what it is.

I feel really tired today. It’s funny that I still went to sleep with light on in the living room, I still locked the door of my bedroom. I guess I’m still very afraid to live alone. Moments like today, all I wanted is to have a partner who can shower with hugs and kisses on a tiring day like today. I feel a bit sick today but not so much. It’s the kind of “fake sick” like I’m not sure I’m sick nor healthy. I guess perhaps it has something to do with the month. Today is the first day of March. Usually by this time, I have some plans for myself, I would want to go somewhere, do something. Something to freshen myself up. I would find something that I really love, and buy it for myself as a token reward for my hard work for the past year.

The year before last, I invited Camel to go diving with me but he couldn’t. Last year I asked for a smart watch and Camel gave me one. This year, I don’t feel like anything. I don’t want to go anywhere, buy anything, as if I don’t want to reward myself. Or I don’t worth rewarding. Somehow today I’m tired, out of nowhere, it might be because it’s very hot today or because I don’t like myself that much anymore. Or because I’m lonely.

I began to think it’s not Camel that I’m in love with. It’s an image of a person I want to be in love with. I have another observation that I will write in the next post. This post is about myself.

Once the thought is over, it’s hard to elaborate. 2 days ago, a lot of thought is on my mind, but today it seems like it’s on condensed into these voice recordings that I’m typing out before passing out in bed.