Saigon, 8/4/2021

I got back home at around 5:00 PM today, and I actually just crashed into the sofa until now. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, 36 hours in the “cồn đất” away from all the noise and pollution. I was supposed to be fully recharge, well to be fair, I was working constantly in the island. I sticked my face to the phone and computer to communicate and running the team. Have I told you that I found the perfect sealed machine? I can seal 8 ice cream cups at the same time, this will bring me much closer to Haegen Dazs quality :).

As soon as I boarded the ship back to the city, I immediately feel tired, I slept all the way through from Can Tho back to Saigon. I had the car to myself because my friend is heading to Con Dao with her 2 sons. And here I am crashing into my sofa. I had to skip my psychology class to breath. I don’t know what is so wrong with me? Is it the car travel? Is it the heat from the sun because I travel during the hot time? All I know is I am very tired, until now.

Starting this Saturday, we are going to go full on production in order to prepare for Ha Noi. It’s gonna be a lot of work, I mean really a lot of work. I started thinking of borrowing money, I’m not sure from where, but from somewhere. I needed a bunch of cash to prepaid, as a factory, we need to prepaid quite a lot, packaging, ingredients … Our payment term is 15 days. Which means we are gonna need a month of cash in advance payment. I’m extremely low in cash that I was thinking to myself how the hell I’m going to pay for my living / rent in the next 6 months.

Okay, that’s enough for complaining.

Have I told you that I went to see my therapist on Monday? I haven’t seen him since Christmas, and I have lots to tell him about my changes in life. I told him about my encounter with my mother, how I tried really hard to show my vulnerability, how I make sure all the words I’m typing is really nice and truthful. I told him that I thought of an exercise, trying to write myself a letter from my Dad’s perspective to save me out of this vicious circle because I cannot reason with myself any longer. During that exercise, I cried like there’s no tomorrow, and then in the back of my head, there’s an observer watching me cry as well. So there are 3 layer of thoughts ( or 3 people) talking to each other in my head. It goes like this:

• I was in my Dad’s role, it was almost his voice speaking to me.
• I also in the receiver role, when I cry so much. So on one hand, Dad told me to stop crying, and I try to stop crying as well
• On top of that, there’s another one, I feel like that one is more like me than any others. While I was crying, that voice said: Để một người có thể khóc là một quá trình hoá học cực kỳ phức tạp. Não phát ra một tín hiệu, tim đập nhanh ơi, adrenaline được push through, các mạch máu co lại để bơm máu đi nhanh hơn, mặt đỏ lên, nước tụ lại ở tuyến lệ và rồi nước chảy xuống. Vậy mà người này ( Mai) chỉ cần viết mỗi một chữ “Thư gửi con gái” là nước mắt tuôn như suối trào. Chứng tỏ vết thương này lớn lắm, sâu lắm, nó như 1 vết lở rất lớn vậy. Đụng vô một cái là máu xịt lum la chỗ.

I get to observe the mind as a very very complex beings within myself. Oh I forgot, my therapist put me into a quick hypnosis in which I’m a “đao phủ” giữa sa mạc, trời xanh mây trắng, gió thổi. And my task is to “cut the head off” from a person in front of me. That person is my mother. I did, I chopped her head off, and I walked until I vanished into sands and air as well.

The change in me I think is quite profound. I feel like I’m no longer afraid of meeting my mother in person. I feel like whatever she’s saying is no longer staying in my head. I feel like I can see her as a human beings, not some kind of witch with dark magic that I’m afraid to see.

I have a new assignment for myself these days, I want to not judge people. I was supposed to compose the second part about Camel, but the way I’m composing it in my head is so judgemental. I don’t like it at all, I want to be nonchalant, to state the fact with a lot of love and compassion. 🙂 . I think I will be ready to compose it tomorrow.

I have some newer news today:

• A spa named Bodyline, ask to corporate with us 🙂 . This is the 3rd confirmation that whatever me and Thao did is working. People starts to recognize our hard work.
• I’m going to meet a potential partner in Nha Trang tomorrow
• I’m going to finalize my strawberry, my melon, and my coconut ice cream tomorrow. We are going to launch it next week.

Any ideas for ice cream? if you have something, send it to me in my dream, please.