I stumbled upon this note that I wrote 2 years ago, after I went through a emotional ride with Karim for couple years. In this note, I clearly describe my feelings, the feelings of liberations after a false relationship.

The relationship with Karim was not love, it was an imitation of love. It was 2 lonely soul trying to force 2 complete different selves into something called ” relationship”. That’s why immediately, right after the relationship I saw the sky gets more blue, the life gets more vibrant.

The ending of relationship with me and Camel brings a different feeling. I feel like I’m still deeply in love 🥰 , or I’m not sure what to call it? Tragedy, I’d say.

I’ve decided to spend the whole day at home around my living room. I’m right back where I was awhile ago in Bangkok where I could spend pretty much 72 hours without leaving my place. I think this time I can do it longer, perhaps 1 full week.

The love I have for Camel – my ex boyfriend – my ex partner is like a book that I kept bringing down from the shelf to read. I know that whatever my mind is painting now is the beautiful part, in which me and him on a motorbike driving around like nothing on earth is matter. I know that I avoid talking or thinking about the shadow of the relationship, in which we both twist and turn trying to expect the other to understand the unspoken word. I’m emotionally attacked Camel, he closed off and disregard me.

The battle sometimes is a blood bath, in which we turned our eyes away from it. The battle, when I wish he could understand how scared I am when facing my mother, and he wish I could understand how important his mother is to me. We both have mothers, his is the utmost important person, mine is the utmost avoided person. I think, I was acting that way out of jealousy. I’m always jealous of a person who still has mother and father. More importantly, one of which you have a close relationship with as mine was gone.

You know, the dark side of the relationship is dark. But the bright side of it is also very bright. I still remember the time we hike all the way up to ABC, and the love we vibrate to other makes me laugh.

I haven’t been back to Hoi An, the reason is also because I avoid flooding my mind with the sweet memories. Writing about this makes me sad.

You know, my name is “Hiding behind my smile” Mai. Right now, I can’t find the energy to smile. I just feel so sad.

I can’t find any reason to logically explain my emotions, my behavior, my love. It’s quite clear that we can’t find a middle ground. Yet, I’m still hoping for magic.

The hope is so strong that I actually rejected couple people. I haven’t had coitus with anyone since the last time I’ve been with Camel. Almost a year I’d think. I talked to some interesting men, I’m still talking but it’s immediately turned into friendzone, mostly because I’m not ready. That my heart belongs somewhere else. That it doesn’t open for any other new thing.

Love in itself is painful. We started the relationship because of love, we ended the relationship also because of love.

This relationship, somehow is so special to me. That I caught myself hungup and drown in memories, and false hope.

And you know what? Even when I said so, and when I know the basic anatomy of this love. I’m still in love.

It’s a tragedy of the heart. The battle between the mind and the heart.