I had a dream last night, after writing the blog post about how I feel a little bit self – pity. It was a good dream but it was almost like travelling to the past. I told the story about after I knew Minh exist a lot, but I have not mentioned how it came about right?

I was staying in Hoi An, working and enjoying my life. The past 2 weeks has been extremely tiring to me, usually I’d wake up at 6 AM in the morning, but these days I found myself sleeping until 9 or 10 AM. Thor is sleeping under my bed, patiently waiting for me to wake up and take him out to the beach.

I’ve been keeping track of my period quite closely. My period is really good, like clock work, it has never been stopping or appearing at a weird time before. Something was off, my longest period is 34 days, and today is day 36 and nothing come out yet, my boobs is so big, I want to explode. I woke up again at 9 AM, today is Wednesday, I decided that this is about time I bought a pregnancy test. You know, just in case, nothing serious, I just want to check.

I took Thor to the beach, then stop by a small pharmacy near the bridge. I asked for 3 types of test, but it’s such a small store, they only got one brand. I bought 3 of the same one anyway. This is some kind of protocol that I have set in my mind even though, I’ve never done this before, but I did it like I knew it. The lady put the 3 sticks in a black bag, I was thinking to myself, this society treats pregnancy like a shame so weird. I took the test, tell Thor to stopped wandering around, then off to home.

I was a little bit nervous, but I have faith. I drove past the bridge and said to myself: ” This is not happening! This is not happening! This is not happening to me” all the way to home. It was a good 10 minutes on my Vespa. I went home, straight to the bathroom and immediate take the test. I showed 2 red lines.

You know at this point, I was confused. Is 2 lines meaning positive or negative ( because I had faith that it’s gonna be negative). So I sat there in my bathroom and Google, what is the result of pregnancy test, and it appears 2 lines are positive.

“Okay ! I really do have a problem now.”

I went to bed, and called Camel. I was smiling, and giggling trying to tell the fact that I’m pregnant. I was pretty chilled at that point. See the thing about me is in the most dangerous situation, I seem to be most relaxed and thinking straight.

I called Camel just to tell him with the intention like this: ” We got pregnant, we made a child together, what should we do with this child? ” . You know I was considering he’s my teammates. He went on the plane, so I did the next best thing I could do, call the only friend I have in Hoi An – Thư. She said: “I’m coming over, let’s go to the hospital and get you tested right away”.

We did, with Thor, 3 of us spending a good 2 hours in the hospital, and confirmed the result.

I had a chat with the doctor

Doctor X: ” Don’t drink any vitamin, don’t drink any pregnancy milk, don’t do anything, come back in a few weeks. We might get you some iron, that’s all you need.
Mai: ” I’m not sure I can make this baby“.
Doctor X: “Why not? a million people have done it, I’m here to help you” .
Mai: Doctor, it’s not about my ability to make this baby. It’s about whether or not I want to bring him/her to life.
Doctor X: Of course you want to, a lot of people are desperately want a child. And you were blessed with one, go ahead and do it. I’m here to help.

I came bringing the news to Thư. We drove to my home together, when we were about near my house, she said: “ Hồi còn trẻ thì không sao, nhưng đến cái tuổi này, cũng phải suy nghĩ một tý nhỉ?”

It’s so true. I don’t know what to do, I don’t want this, but making a decision is hard, I need to consult with my teammates. I desperately want to talk to Camel and discuss “our little problem”. So I waited for him to land, and continue working on that day. I had several meetings that need to be done. Camel called me. I confirmed the result with him. And he said:” Em bây giờ đang ở hội an vầy, còn định đi học, còn định làm đủ thứ làm sao em nuôi nổi?”

And that was it, my memory ended here. The rest was blurry. I’m not sure what we exchanged after he said so. I cannot recalled it. All I can remember was him lying in bed, and telling that I’m on my own. There’s no team, there’s just me because I was careless.

You know, I started this blog quite happy, I was pretty relaxed. But once I wrote down what Camel said, my heart sank. I typed slower, and my mood went straight down hill. I totally understand that what Camel said simply just a projection of his fear. When he said :” Em không nuôi nổi” it meant “Anh không nuôi nổi” .

I know and understand it, but I couldn’t help being hurt. I think it shattered my heart, and I think that’s when our love turn dark.

The next couple weeks, I did exactly what I knew best. I internalize the thoughts, and knowing that I’m on my own, I really did for my very own. I didn’t even let Camel pay, I want to draw the line. That’s when we became 2 parts of a team. There’s no longer teammates spirit. He never said sorry, I calmed down and became relax again.

This pregnancy test is the beginning of the end of our relationship. I kept all the wounds inside, and only bring out the best of me to Camel and myself. I was calm, relax and determined. I moved on as if nothing has happened. But you know what, it happened. And it left a mark in my soul and my body. The next time around, I will need to tell my doctor what I did. It will always follow me.

For some reason, I still am not moving on from this topic. I mentioned about it time again and again in my blog. It’s not healthy. It’s like a scar that I kept on looking and describing. But then again my mind chose the topic, not me.