Hello from my favorite blue chair :),

I finally found the time and energy to write down my thoughts and experiences in the past couple days.

Saigon is in lockdown, last year about this time, I wrote about lock down in San Khampaeng. Back then, I had no work responsibility, I only have the responsibility with Camel. When I was in lockdown and trapped in Chiang Mai, I was dying to go back to be with Camel despite all differences.

And I did, I was so excited to be back in Saigon to be with Camel. I regretted that I didn’t listen to him, and I felt so guilty about that.

Fast forward one year, I’m in a lock down situation again with a whole new world that I can never imagine. I have lots of responsibility, I am somewhat all alone in this whole wide world.

In the middle of the nights 2 nights ago, when I was packing and looking to find a place to stay. I wasn’t looking for help and thinking helpless, in the middle of the nights, I’m just looking at what is the thing to take, what are my essentials that I need with me. You know what, in the midst of chaos, I realize that my essentials are completely change. I brought with me some voodoo stuff like singing bowl, some incense … I know I need toothbrush, hair dryer, shampoo and body wash. But that was it, that’s all I really need, my clothes are simple, oh and I brought my yoga mat with me.

It only hit me when I started walking up the stairs, I brought Thor with me. The stairs is dark, lots of cockroaches, and I’m so afraid of mice. The memories immediately brought me back to Malaysia, when I had this crazy idea about opening a Gin Bar in Huynh Thuc Khang House. Camel went with me to a Gin bar in KL. It wasn’t the bar that I remember, it was the moment we were walking around the find the bar, in the dark corner, I suddenly feel so afraid. Camel can feel that I was scared, and he said: ” Không sợ gì cả, có anh đây”. At that moment, it felt like I can trust this person for eternity, that I know no matter what, I can count on this person.

Fast forward 3 years, I’m right exactly where we started. I’m packing my stuff and moving stuff by myself. I slept one night in the HTK house, but I feel like missing my home so much. Every night, I am looking forward to go home. I am now truly feel that I belong to my house, it is this place where I can revive my energy. I can have my peace and where I can write without any judgement.

The next night, I went back up to the HTK house and pack up my stuff, I need my soft pillow and my blanket. So I pack it up and went back on my motorbike. It’s tough moving these things alone, and I suddenly feel so lonely. I was thinking to myself, I started feeling like I can be alone, but I cannot. There are things that 2 people can do better that one person. I have to admit that I miss Camel so much at that particular moment. The experience of moving over night, and then moving back in, I wish to share it with him.

I also realize one thing, in the midst of chaos, I never thought of going back to my mother’s house. Or she didn’t appear in my thought that I need to tell her. I mean it’s naturally for a child in a difficult situation thought of going to their mother’s. The case doesn’t really true with me. I only thought of my mother after, but more like a realization. It’s not like oh I need to tell her, it’s like : ” Oh She didn’t appear in my thought”

You know the first person I thought of telling was who? Guess what? It’s Camel 😀

I don’t know why, and I don’t know how. I guess, there must be a reason for it. The universe must have created some kind of message for me, or it’s just simple karma.