Discretion: this is a homework that my teacher has given me before the next class. It’s quite hard for me to dig deep and find my sadness. I was searching through my mind for sadness, what makes me sad these days because it seem like I’m going in a right track. I’m learning new things, doing fine works, developing myself mentally, find out what I can help. What to be sad about? After talking about 20 minute in with my classmate, I found it.

My sadness is lonely.
My heart is lonely.
My body is lonely.

On a spiritual, logical connection level, I may have my teacher, my friend Phuong, my many other groups of classmates from all sorts of class that I’ve studied. But on a real physical world, I’m all alone.

I’ve always been alone. Even as a child. I’m afraid I will always be alone.. because I don’t know how else to be

I wrote this awhile ago

I’m not afraid of loneliness, because I know how to cope with it. It’s just that it’s something I do not wish everyone should have.

Dear sadness,

I’m so sorry that I neglected you. I used all kinds of reasons to neglect you –I’m busy with work, I’m studying, I’m excited for what I could accomplish. All to avoid the confrontation that deep down inside, I’m sad. 😔 .

Thank you for speaking out to me today, thank you to show up this evening. Thank you to show me in your full form, thank you for letting me cry out.

I know today is a hard day for both of us. We were not ready to go vaccinated out in the open with hot air and multiple people around, but were “kind of forced” to do so. We were taking our breath while waiting to get in line, we wanted to go home, we couldn’t breathe. At that point, we wish if there’s someone we could call to come and pick us up. We are having a heat stroke but our friends need to move on, and we have to move together because we don’t have any other means.

We feel like we gonna lose it really soon.

Finally, we got home today at 4:30 pm, we passed out. The memory brings us straight back to the hotel room in Bangkok, where we passed out but with Camel next to us. Oh how we wish to just have a hug from Camel, that would immediately brings a smile to you right, sadness?

I’m a dreamer, an INFP, which means I rely a lot of my decision based on Intuition, feeling and the mindset of ” play as we go”. Therefore, once a day I need time to just sit, to let my mind goes to different zone.

There was a moment, we sat together right at my sofa. My body is crashing onto the sofa, my leg is up on the bean bag and we thought to ourselves

What would Dad say to me right now? Will he be able to say: “ I’m more than proud of you, of what you have become with the level of awareness you have in yourself? “

Sadness, my friend, thank you for reminding me about the value of people around me. I don’t know why today Camel just kept popping up in my head.

I was throwing away half a can of beer from the other day because I couldn’t finish it, and I suddenly remember one of the poem I wrote before with the particular sentence: Em ơi, mình bia hông ? 🙂

I know why we are sad, we are lonely and we’d like to have a person to share that with us. I just don’t know how to fix our situation.

Impasse is the word that comes to my mind. I guess the only thing I can do is to just acknowledge your existence, to cry when you need me to cry. To think about you, and to embrace you. Most importantly, to be grateful that you are still with me, that it’s not hard to communicate with you.

I think of all the emotions that I’m having, I value the most is You – Sadness. With you, I feel like I can touch to the corner of my soul. That I can directly talk to my soul. So Thank you 🙂

I hope the next time we meet, we’ll be less lonely. I think I’m ready to open my heart for real this time.