I have been composing this sentence in my head for couple weeks now, that I need to stop saying sorry for not being able to update on this blog everyday like I promise to myself. The truth is I do contemplate everyday, but I do it in many different form and not necessarily on this blog.

However, this blog will always be the place for me to find comfort in showing myself, and exposing myself to the hidden world. I’ve stayed home for exactly 1 month of not doing much work, and I think I have utilized the last 33 days to the max of its potential. I’m growing at the speed of light, phát triển với tốc độ ánh sáng is the sentence that kept vibrating in my head.

Have you heard of the term ” Thân – Tâm – Trí” , in the past 33 days, each of the 3 segments that create Mai – Mai is growing at full speed.

Thân – I have been continuously practicing Yoga, despite my sickness, despite that there are some days I felt dead inside, I’ve been consistent. And even though my digesting system is having trouble, my arms, my legs, my balance has reached to a level that I’ve never reached before. I almost was able to split vertically straight this morning.

Tâm – I finally was able to shake off the feeling of hating to clean. Every morning, I would like to vacuum my house, mop it, sprinkle it with good scents. And most importantly, flowers. Buying food was hard, but buying flower these days is actually not so hard. I’ve found my love for flowers again :). You know, I used to receive a lot of flowers from my lovers. Back then, when I was living with Cô Việt, I have no place, or the house was a pile of trash that the flowers just become trash. Then Camel never gave me any flowers, and I just sort of forgot it all together. Suddenly, about 3 weeks ago, when I started cleaning my house, I thought of flowers. And since then, there’s not a day come by that I don’t have flowers in my house. I actually starting to become good at dealing with flowers. Sitting right next to me are 2 bouquet of flowers and it made me feel so transcended.

Trí – I haven’t stopped studying for a day since I sat down at home. I started learning about machinery for Bliss. I started studied Eastern philosophy, I started study Theory U, and I started learning from myself. A lot of messages that ran so deep, so so deep in myself that started unravel at an accelerating speed. I now know more and understand about myself better than ever.

I had a dream awhile ago, usually dreams are coded message but in this particular dream the message was so vivid, so clear and so straight-forward. I want to copy the note I wrote down to my therapist

Giấc mơ thứ 2: tiếp theo giấc mơ đó là em đang tâm sự với người dì Út của em. Em nói như này: Ba con thương con chỉ vì con có tài năng như thế này, con giỏi giang như thế này. Ba con thương con vì con giỏi.

Chứ nếu mà con như bé Ty, không có tài năng gì thì ba sẽ không thương con đâu. 
Note: Dì Út là sợi dây duy nhất còn sót lại với gia đình nhà ngoại. Em vẫn nói chuyện thường, mọi thông tin update đều qua dì Út 

Cái message ở giấc mơ sau nó thật sự rất lớn, vì đúng là bạn em nhận xét em và em cũng đồng ý. Là em chỉ value bản thân mình qua cái việc mình làm. Tức là em càng thành công thì em càng tự tin. Nhưng mà nếu em không làm gì hết ( như khi nghỉ đi học làm bánh) thì em hoàn toàn thấy mình không có giá trị, lời nói của mình trở thành không giá trị. 

Ba con thương con chỉ vì con có tài năng như thế này, con giỏi giang như thế này. Ba con thương con vì con giỏi.

Chứ nếu mà con như bé Ty, không có tài năng gì thì ba sẽ không thương con đâu. 

This message is so clear, and so profound. It explains a lot of my behaviors, that I want to learn and I enjoyed learning so much. Recently, my urge to learn has becoming even stronger. It’s because of Love. With the absent of my father, and the absent of a significant other ( lover) , I crave for love, thus I studied harder and harder. And because the result is so rewarding ( I see the growth in myself) I kept on learning.

The drive of my excellency is Love. Deep inside me there’s a message said : “ I need to be excellent to be loved, and to be respected in life” . There’s nothing wrong with this message, in fact it’s the key thing that makes me who I am to this day. Now I know, under that layer of striving for the best, is someone who’s a hopeless romantic that desperately want love, crave love, and adore Love. My next mission in life beside building Bliss larger than life, is to create a family of my own. A family where I can love and be loved. You know for a person who’s loveless and childless like me, I actually has a lot of thought sometimes of how my kids should be.

Interestingly enough, my therapist asked me if I ever found out that my kid is drinking, smoking weeds, go on race, what would I do. I told him with all confidence: ” I think they are so cool”. As long as I showed them how to drink, how to smoke, to understand what’s the limit, I trust that they will know how to live larger than life.

Freedom is my utmost values, without freedom, I cannot live. But I found out, my freedom also has something else. “Tự do sẽ vô nghĩa nếu như nó không có sự kỷ luật trong đó” . You know, I might portrait to you that I’m an easy going, whatever is okay with me. But there’s always a line, if you cross that line, you lose all of my respect for you. My respect is something that really hard to be earned. So I’m actually a quite disciplined person, but in my own way.

Writing this blog post, there’s a constant smile on my face. I’m actually very proud of whom I have grown into in the past month. I like myself at this stage, right at this moment. I like the progress and the tranquility that I was able to achieve in a very short span of time.

I have more to say but That will be the next post for tomorrow.