I tried to think off a topic that I should write in this post but my mind seems to go blank.

In the past couple weeks, I’ve reviewed my life over and over again. One of the blessing also the curse of my life is I have a very very vivid memory. 2 weeks ago, I spent a good 2 hours relive the moment starting from that nights where I sleep alone in Charming House in Huynh Thuc Khang and feel like life is so stuck and so sad. I told Camel that I wanted to move to Hoi An, I asked him if it’s okay. And he was very supportive of that. For that I am forever grateful, if it’s not for him, I doubt that I’m at where I am now.

I relive, go through all the stages, where I move from places to places. How it’s so painful every single time my mother decided to hurt me or how my sister betray me at that last time when I spoke to her about my plan.

What is family? Family is somebody who will stay no matter what, the last man/woman standing by your side. You know what? I don’t have that in my life. When push comes to shoves, I’m always alone. That’s why I can be alone so well, because that’s all I’ve ever experienced.

That 2 hours I noticed when I relive every single moment, it’s very painful. I told the story with a very painful voice. The memory is real, the feeling I was living is real and there’s nothing that can do to undo those words have been said, those acts have been done.

I’ve tried really really hard trying to find one good memories with my mother. I’m so sure that there should be some of them, because I want it so much to have something to hold on to. I want to have something that I can remember in order for me to find the love for her. You know I don’t believe in unconditional love. I believe that all love is built, pampered and cared for. My mother love to me is extremely conditional. For her to love me, I need to be a good daughter. A good daughter is someone who’s giving a lot of money, listen to her, obey her and worship her. Best would be living with her till she died.

I’ve come to the solution, in order for me to have a good life, and to build a good life I need to have good memories. The good memories from now moving forward is from how I built it, because there will be time I’m looking back and be happy. I can tell a good story.

It started at the beginning of this month, when I feel like I was so generous giving Cô Việt the extra money. My father’s death anniversary is coming soon, I’m not afraid to go back to see her anymore. Fear only exist when it’s unpredictable, right now it’s so predictable how it’s gonna be like. So I’m no longer in fear. But I want to do something better, I will come back to Hoi An. I will have a dinner with Landon, with Ba Muoi. This will be the start of my new tradition. Instead of feeling dragged because the day is going to come. I feel so excited. I hope I can travel by that time and I will do my best to create a good memory.

Years from now, I will be very happy and glad.