I’ve finally finished 6 seasons “Downton Abbey”, in which the final scene when the 2nd daughter walk down the staircase in her bride’s white dress. The father said: ” How beautiful you are! Please let me be proud for a bit” . In the original blog post about this series of love, I mentioned the scene in which the father married out his first daughter.

I thought about my father a lot, of how every time I walk down from the stairs to see him, and he always said: ” Con gái của ba hôm nay đẹp quá vậy.” I feel so lucky and so grateful to have these very beautiful memories that will always warm my heart.

It would be incomplete about my insanity without talking or discussing about my troubled past. I mentioned about my childhood here and there throughout the history of this blog post. Most of it is under the tone of bitterness and pains. I’d like to give it a neutral tone this time, I will try to be as objective as I can be. A majority of this story is based on assumption, rather than facts. After my father died, I collect bits of information here and there and tried to form a good story about part of his life and subsequently my life.

I suspect that my father married my ex-mother out of love. I think it’s a calculated decision, my father who’s really smart, need a loyal person someone who’s not beautiful, someone who can be his subordinate for life and couldn’t do any better than him. My ex-mother, unfortunately, checks. all the above box.

Through bits of stories here and there told by my his sister, brothers and cousins, my father always have another lover ever since he started dating my ex-mother till the day he died. I think my father knew what love is, he taught me about love. He told me: ” Suis l’amour, l’amour fuit. Fuis l’amour, l’amour suit” . Yes, my father taught me in French, direct quote from him. It was one of the occasion he was taking me home from school. He told me to be smart.

I think my ex-mother never have a chance to experience love. I think the poor thing was living in constant fear, of being a dependent, a subordinate both intellectually and physically.

By the age of 6 or 7, my father fled away from my ex-mother, leaving me behind. You know, to the world, my father is someone who’s really dedicated, someone who has to sacrifice to work very far away from the family. It might be true at the beginning, my father told me that ever since I started school, he knew that he has to work harder to give me a brighter future (than him). From the inside, I think my father was running away from his “beloved” wife, and this prolong till the end of this life.

I became the child who’s hated by her mother, and abandoned by her father.

I mentioned this because I want you to know that I have no model growing up. I don’t have a model of a woman whom I want to become, so I read and picked one from the novel ( Scarlett) because she’s fearless and she can fight the batter (with my ex-mother). I also don’t have a model of a couple being in love, I don’t have a healthy definition of love.

At best, to my child’s eye, love is painful, and we must run away from it. Being in love is being weak, and I can’t be weak, otherwise I won’t survive this hardship.

You see, even in this blog, I rarely wrote in Vietnamese, even though I’m 100% Vietnamese. I suspect the reason is because Vietnamese is the language that my ex-mother speak, and living in her house, I chose another language to think and to contemplate so that she cannot see through me.

I grew up, in my point of view, a tilted child. A child who has an absent father, and no mother. Phương has a saying that I really like: “Mai lớn lên như cây, như cỏ, tự học tự ăn tự lớn, tự thành công, tự thất bại”. I’d say it’s so true. So I don’t let the feminine in me flourish, but rather the masculine side. The animus protection inside me was really growing well, but the anima is close to non-existence.

You can see through my choice of language, most of my voice is straight and direct. I want to get things done, and I rarely think what is my choice of language is affecting other people.

I also don’t have a good definition about marriage. I am actually afraid of marriage. I think it stems from the fact that I’m afraid to be my ex-mother, to be trapped in a loveless affairs. In the perfect scenario, I’d like to move in and live with someone I love dearly, we can decide to have children or not. I’d like to have some but it’s not a must, I’ll also be happy with dogs.

The crooked, painful and poignant marriage of my parents deeply rooted in me that I’m afraid to be like them. The commitment that doesn’t bring happiness but rather a trap. At the end of his life, my father was stuck, he obviously didn’t love my ex-mother and didn’t want to spend more than 5 days at a time with her. But he ought to shut down the factory, and then move back with her, doing the imagination that she’s been dreaming of. Spending days and nights, going exercising, and hearing her nags all day. I think my father would never be able to do so.

I talked in my blog as if my father is a perfect person. The reality is, he’s not a good one. He’s not a good husband, he’s not a good father. As best, he’s a good provider. He was never home, he’s like an imaginary father that I loved dearly. But he’s never home, he barely exist in my everyday life ever since I was a child. Each and every competition, I joined at my liberty, and win or lose at my liberty. There was no pressure, but also no support.

Between the two parents, one is an absent father, one is the hatred mother. I relied much more in the absent one, because he didn’t cause pain. In my dream this morning, it’s so clear and vivid that in order to find comfort in my father, I had to travel to his farm, which is far far away.

In the movie “Modern family”, Jay Pritchett the father of all has said:” 90% of being a good dad is just showing up” . My dad probably showed up 10% of the time of my life.

You see, I think the more I wrote, the deeper I touched to my insanity. A person who’s claiming to be hopeless romantic, is afraid of commitment. Isn’t that the most absurd thing you have heard?

A loveless child, born out of love, but growing up doesn’t know what love is, kept talking about love. Isn’t that hypocrite and nonsense?

I kept talking about wanting to live with someone, sharing the bed with someone, cooking for someone. But you have never heard me talked about marrying someone, this thought frightened me so much before. That when I was proposed before, I couldn’t let that thought going through my ears.

I am now getting better with it, I think if I love someone enough, I can be happily married. I’m no longer limit myself to these frightened thoughts, I can think myself through and choose the better decision without any things in the way.