I was meant to write on the eve of the 6.11 but never get myself into writing. All the thoughts are entangled with each other again, was it yesterday that I talked with my mentor about Bliss? Ah, no, it was on Monday when I told my mentor that I feel so stress, my head is pounding and hurting. I think I’m going to make a mistake by renting that location so soon before receiving any money, or settling any deal.

I’m not focusing on doing my actual work, which is making ice cream but rather going rounds to look at the empty land to decide what to do. My mind is messy, cloudy and I feel so tired, so alone. There’s a series called ” Maid” I just watched recently, in that I found the sentence of the main charater when running away from her abusive husband said: ” Yes, I understand how alone and completely fucked I am.’ Sometimes I feel like so, not as bad as that but I totally understand how alone I am. That is, if I want to eat Pho, I go and order Pho, there’s noone else sharing the thoughts and the work.

I need to prepare a contract, but my head was pounding and I feel like I cannot do it, there’s no one that I can ask to help me. It’s either I do it, or I do it. Plain and simple.

I still afraid of my mother, it’s an old pattern. Today when she texted me, the moment I saw her name pop up in my chat screen, my heart is actually pounding so fast, so strong I can hear the thumping. It happened the instant I saw her message pop up. Isn’t that the most bizzare thing you have ever heard?

I’m afraid of nothing, I do what I want. Yet, the only person in this entire planet of earth I’m afraid of is my mother. 🙂 . It was supposed to be the opposite, it should be, or she should be the person I feel the most safe with.

I have made a conclusion during the conversation this morning with Phuong about Father. It seems like I’ve finished grieving his death. In the past 3 months, he no longer appeared in the conversation between me and Phuong. He no longer appeared in my everyday thoughts. In fact, I completely forgot about his death anniversary. I only realize today that the day is near.

And even if the day is near, so what? It’s a mere symbolic thing. I really don’t care about what he thought about me anymore. I don’t wish for his help anymore. I do not talk about him anymore. The healing is complete. The void he left inside my heart seems to be filled with something else.

I suddenly thought of Camel, the stage in which I am in right now, I think is what he expected of me. Times and again, he repeatedly told me that my father is dead, and I should not ask for his help, “Your Father won’t be there to help you, he’s dead.”. I recalled being silent about it, then I exploded like a volcano saying hurtful thing, and tell him that he has no rights to even mention the subject. I counted the time, and at the 3rd strike, my heart walked away.

Come to think about it again, I know I was wrong, my handle of the situation is the worst performance that I could do. What I should have done is exactly the opposite to what I did. I should’ve expressed myself in the first time he brought the story about my Dad. What I should say was: ” I feel sad whenever someone mentioned my father. I miss my father, he was the one always helped me when I don’t know what to do. It’s a usual reaction that I long for his presence. I apparently haven’t recovered from the loss of my father. Please be patient, and help me.” I should have expressed myself better.

He must have felt annoyed and angry at me when I’m acting not myself. Or, the better word is he must be been very worried about me, that’s why he’s angry.

Well, I can proudly say that my grieve is complete. I’ve moved on from my Father’s death, and I no longer asking for his help. I’m alone, and I accepted it. I feel whole again.

I feel liberated, and I feel happy. My father’s death anniversary is coming soon and I don’t really think about it. It’s the past. My father is dead, it doesn’t matter if we celebrate or not. It doesn’t matter what my father wanted or needed, he’s totally dead, and I’m moving on 🙂