Be prepared for many posts today, I’m prepared myself to sit at home and pour out my thoughts onto you. I feel that the topic goes in such a wide range that I have to split it into different bits and places so that you won’t get lost in the my web of thoughts. An old friend of mine once told me:” Chị Mai, chị có biết là chị nói rất nhiều subject. Và chị đổi rất nhanh, 1 phút trước chị so deeply ở topic này, 2 phút sau chị đã chuyển qua 1 đề tài khác vì đề tài trước chị đã xong rồi. Nếu em không ở cạnh chị 1 tháng vừa rồi, thì em cũng sẽ không thể nào theo kịp và hiểu được chị nói gì” .

It is so true, it’s so true till this day. Even I when sitting down in this very beautiful day, I’m still not so sure where to start and what to start and how to begin.

Perhaps, it’s best to start with what’s going on in my head since yesterday. My father’s gone for 5 years and this is the first time I actually spending the time thinking about his last day. Why? Because in the last 5 years I’m still very busy fighting off my own mother. Last year, I was scared to death to go to her house and attending a brief luncheon. The year before last, I was in Bangkok and thinking to myself how can I find a way to tell her that I don’t want to go back. The year before that, well, my memories stopped right there. This year, when I finally put down my shield and my sword, to just be, then my mind goes back with a different train of thought.

Toward the end of my father’s day. He was suffering much, his body was swelling from kidney failure. He was in constant fever and each time the fever strike, he suffered. His liver is also failed hard, so we couldn’t give him much of the medicine. So it’s a battle between saving his life now and preserving his life after. He moved to ICU because his body is deteriorating. The first day he was fine and conscious, we were moving from staying with him everyday every single minute in the hospital to just 30 minutes a day. The next he suffered much, couldn’t breath, couldn’t bear the pain when the tube going down his throat. I remembered the doctor told me that he’s going into septic shock because there’s too much of whatever is killing him inside him. The survival chance is only 30%.

It’s just not only worsen throughout the 21 days he was hospitalized, he did get better, the worsen far more. Even in the ICU, there’s a day when they were able to withdraw the tube from him. I remembered that day fondly, I went in to meet him and tell him do you know that Trump won the presidency? His eyes filled with shocks, just like mine. And that was the last conversation I had with my fathers. “Donald Trump is the president of the United States”. He gets much worse, on the 13th of November, it seemed like there’s not much life left in my father’s body. I rented a room right next to the hospital so that whenever the doctor called I could be right there. My boyfriend Karim at the time was kind enough to stay with me, but it was my battle.

There’s the thing about having someone in the hospital, you don’t want to receive any phone call. No calls means all is well. Then finally the call came, I was still in the room just behind the hospital. I went in and met with the doctor alone, she sat down and ask me: ” Do you want to have your father died here or at home? ” . ” Home” . I said. She responded: ” Very well, we don’t have a lot of time, let’s arrange an ambulance for you to bring him home.”

I was very calm at that time, I guess I am always calm. It was me and my father on that ambulance driving home. Do you know, it was also only me and my father on the ambulance to the hospital through an emergency room? I could never understand that part. If my mother claim to love him the way she said, why when the hardship come, it’s just me and my father? I’m in no position to judge her, but if I have an observation to said, I think she’s just a coward.

I’d imagine if Camel or my life partner, I would always have to be present. Isn’t that what’s love for? To be there, to present whenever needed.

I don’t remember much of that night when my father was sent home. When my father drew his last breath, I can’t remember. I guess to me at that point, my father has died. I moved on and arranged his funeral, talked to the people, organizing his ceremony. It was just me, you know? I did it all by myself.

Then the next 3 days, I just sat there, didn’t really spend time talk to anyone. Landon was very kind, he came to see me everyday exactly at 4 PM. I was looking forward to his visit everyday, because I can speak my mind or just to be silent, knowing that someone understand me could sit next to me.

The last couple days in between my father’s death and funeral, I was exceptionally calm. I even had the time to arrange him to join the Catholic so that my mother can find some peace. I was smart, I was effective and I was calm.

I’d say I’m very proud of myself for handling the matter greatly.

One thing I didn’t handle well was my heart. I seems to neglect myself and always thinking of others. I didn’t give myself anytime to grieve, so my heart went on and grieve alone. I’m sorry for leaving you alone for so long, my dear heart. I’m so glad we found each other again 🙂