I’ve said that I will spend the day yesterday to write but I didn’t even managed to write just one note. I invited Thanh over to my house yesterday, we ordered some food to eat. It was in a way a celebration to my father’s death, nothing special, just 2 friends sharing a meal together. I didn’t even mention my father :). I mentioned 2 blog posts ago, to me, he’s completely gone, there’s no shadow of him left in my life. He’s dead you know, there’s no point trying to keep him alive.

Even I said so, I continue to stay in the house till today, I haven’t left my home in 36 hours and I’m not intended to do so today. I think even my head think so, my body and my heart said they need a wee bit of time to get on. My head is always faster than my heart, so I took my time.

Last night, my mind was wondering what’s the gathering of my father’s death anniversary like, but it was just it, the curiosity, the thought. I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t feel sad because I was alone but rather, I feel relieve and peace. I feel like heaven if there’s such thing. The feeling of wholeness, peace and harmony. I was finally be able to rest.

I still have a lot on my mind that I wasn’t able to arrange each bits to each other. But I knew, after last night, I was free, free from heartache, free from slavery, free from limitations.

I was once told, when our mind is empty, we make space for something else to come. My therapist told me to pay attention to the last thought I have in between sleeps and the first thoughts appear in my head when I’m about to wake up. I was never able to extract that information from my head. Well, this morning I was able to extract one thought, and even tell myself to remember to write it down.

Je t’aime
un peau,
beaucoup,
passionnément,
a la folie,
pas du tout!

French tales

I love you a little, a lot, passionately, madly, not at all!

These are the lines French children sang when picking the flower petals to decide how much you love a person. It’s hard to describe by words, so you can watch this short video

I guess this line was written exactly for me, for my love toward Camel. You must have read in my blogs recently that I tend to shift forward a general term of a lover, that I’m not yearning particularly for Camel but any love in general. I have told myself that I want to open the horizon, you know, for anyone that may come in my life. I’ve also told myself that I will start looking, actively looking. After all, I haven’t had sex in more than a year. I haven’t had sex with anyone since the last time with Camel, and I didn’t even remember when was that last time. It feels like I took a vow of celibacy and live alone for the rest of my life. That’s not me, I’m passionate lover and I need intimacy to flourish.

Now that I have my own place, I thought about choosing a random person to bring home like Tinderalla :D. But that’s just not who I am. I tried it before, once, and it’s not a random person. During my travel for work before I met Camel, I thought I’d try a taste of different man in different country. I met a lot of business owners, most of them are men, they give me their contacts and all I have to do is to choose one and text. So I did, once, and I can conclude that it was horrible. I didn’t let him finish, and the next morning, I told him ” I’m going to a shower, and by the time I’m finished, you are probably gone so good bye.” And that was it, my one night stand experience ended. I didn’t want to go through that again, so I’d rather be sexless then have meaningless sex. Tinderella was never an option to me, sadly.

Oops, sorry, I seem to be off topic again. What I’m trying to say was sometimes I felt a deep love to Camel, sometimes I just want to move on and find me another partner. Recently, I’ve made up my mind that I want to explore the ocean again. Yet, my dream said otherwise.

I didn’t tell you but a couple weeks ago, I have one significant dream about Camel. I met him on a beautiful afternoon, we went for a walk, we talked, we had fun, I teased like I used too. Then we parted, when we parted, there’s sorrow that ran through my veins, I woke up feeling so sad. I broke up many times before, I was never sad to be broken up, but this time in my dream I knew it was the last time I could see him and it sadden me so much that the sky turns grey and the bird won’t sing again.

What I took from that dream was he is very important in my heart. And my inner wisdom warned me about the departure. I argue that I desperately needed love in my life, and I have to move on to find love to flourish my soul.

Well, this morning, my inner wisdom shown me another image. The moment in between my sleep and my awake, a scene came to my mind. It was when we were walking from The First bar to my Tran Hung Dao apartment, we were walking on the street right in front of JW Marriot. He randomly called me his girlfriend. I raised my eyebrow and said: “Girlfriend? Have we agreed on something?” I couldn’t remember what he answered me, but he continues to call me his girlfriend. We were giggling all the way back to my apartment, it was beautiful, full of love.

That was my dream, an old memory that became so vivid. I even reminded myself in that dream that I need to remember this is the one thing my therapist asked me to do that I often forget. The thoughts that appears in my head in between sleep and awake.

I do not understand why my inner wisdom showed me this memory. It’s not a particular memory that I paid attention too, but she does and she showed me how important it is. She also showed me how my heart flutters when I heard him calling me his girlfriend. My heart continue to flutter till I opened my eyes.

It seems like my inner wisdom doesn’t agree with me. From what I gathered, every time I decided to move on, she warns me that this person is utterly important to your life and you cannot let this go.

The thing about dream is it’s coded with different things and meanings. The one thing it can’t code is the emotions. What I feel inside the dream is what I feel in real life. It’s true that my heart continues to flutter. It’s true that my feelings runs deep. But what am I to do with all this?

The question is: Is there a way to reconcile the differences between me and Camel? I would like to believe that there must be a way, there should be a way, there is a way or many ways. After all, the differences is in our head only.

I told you I’m a fan of romanticism and I wholeheartedly believe that if you love someone enough, there’s always a way.

I think the right question to ask is: Do we want to find the way? Do we want to reconcile the differences?

I know I want to as my inner wisdom has shown me times and again that I must treasure these fond memories, and she warns me about the sadness that I might encounter if I chose a different path.

I might rewrite the question again: “What’s stopping me? What’s stopping us? ”

That I cannot answer. I’m writing it down now, I think I will have answer soon enough.