My writings, it’s like bread. It needs time to fermented, and then boom, everything will come into places. In the span of 24 hours, I have written four posts and then I still want to sit down and write more. I feel like I could spend many days sitting and writing, perhaps it could become one of my career? Nah, it’s a hobby, it can’t become a suitable career because let’s face it, I’m not that good. Most of the talk that I’m writing and blabbing on this page is about my problems, and worst, it’s repetitive. I don’t know if you got tired of me repeating a topic over and over again, sometimes I do.

The reason I started this blog is exactly that, I wanted to talk again and again about 1 problem and I know no one can ever accepted to hear me again and again. So I write, I write to verbalize my feelings and my thoughts. It’s one of the most effective way so far for me to reduce my cognitive workload. Once I wrote it down, the thoughts became an object, and stored somewhere else giving space for new thoughts to emerge.

I think I have finalized the changes that has been happening in my mind through the series of 7 posts. It was the sum up of my work in the past year.

It’s exciting, isn’t it? The change, the progress, the unlocking. I was born to grow, that’s what I thought to myself. I wrote in the post Change (6) I have nowhere to go but to grow. That’s not entirely true, I can also go backward, succumbed to the darkness of my mother and stayed in the dark for the rest of my life.

I got lucky, this is just pure luck. In the early stage of my life, I have made a decision, a wise one, must have come from the past life experience. I decided that the way to move forward is to learn and to grow, to smile through the darkness, to let the light shine through and to hide the darkness. According to the transactional analysis of Eric Berne, I was the adapted child, I made a conscious decision to adapt to my mother’s behavior.

Most of the time I got hit or yell at during my childhood, I didn’t think I earned it. It always felt like an injustice, I wasn’t the kind of kid you needed to spank or yell at, I already wanted to please you. If I got in trouble, it’s usually because I was distracted, I would forget something and my mind would drift. The punishment I received during my childhood, just convinced me that I need to be better than this. The constant fear during my childhood haunts my sensitivity to every details in my environment. From a very young age, I develop a razor sharp intuition, an ability to attune to every emotions around me. I learn to sense anger, to predict joy and to understand sadness on the far deeper level than every other kids. Recognize the emotions is crucial and critical for my personal safety. A tone in Mom’s voice, a raise eyebrow from Daddy’s eyes, I process these information quickly and profoundly. I used to stay home and alone, and I love those lonely time. I learn to listen to the sound of my mom’s bike, my ears had a strong system for knowing when Mom’s arriving at home. It’s so precise that I can know exactly what she’s doing by just listening to the sound.

The attunement to the emotions of people around me requires myself to shut down my emotions. It’s not effective strategy, if my mom is in rage, and I fought back. I tried different strategy, through failure I have come to the conclusion that the fastest way to get out of the rage is to shut down all of my emotions all together, and shut up. It worked, marvellously. It have kept me safe and whole my entire childhood.

The barricades that I build was necessary to protect my soft and tender heart, but it’s also what’s stopping me from living my life happily.

So I got lucky, I chose a good strategy. I chose to learn, to equipped myself with knowledge, and now I’m starting to reap what I sowed 30 years ago. I’m still very good and reading people, it’s helping me a lot in a day to day work. I can always speak in a calm manner even when I’m angry. I always know what to say and what not to say. It’s a good experience that I treasured still today.

One thing that’s puzzling my mind though. If you have been following me on this blog, I’ve written 300 posts on this blog, and more than 200 of it is just pure darkness, sadness, sorrow, death. But to the outside world, I’m a happy person, I shined with my smile, my talents, and my ability to connect to people. Was it all a skill? Was it all fake? Because I’ve only had darkness inside me so how come the outside is filled with light?

How? Why? What’s real and unreal?

19:51 13/12/21

I’ve been thinking about this topic for the whole day and have come to the conclusion that the light I have shown to the world is real. It’s authentic, it’s not a skill or fake, it’s my natural ability that I was lucky enough to keep despite my childhood. I’m a happy person at heart.

There’s a saying: “The more outgoing, the more bright a person from the outside, the darker that person inside”

I think that statement cannot be truer in my case. If there’s no darkness, how can we see light?

I think that even though I shine to the world, I was missing it out on myself. I was much focused in the darkness and I didn’t realize that I also have lights.

This series of writing about changes in me, through the 7 blog posts, I think I have seen the light through and through. It felt like I can almost see through the end of my life, that it’s filled with love and light. That I’m very confident that I can face any challenges with an open warm heart.

Going through this phase of life is so interesting. It’s intense, but it’s exciting. The journey into the dream land became more and more vivid everyday. The love grow in my heart became so big, it’s bigger than myself now.

I have a question to myself:

How would you like your life to unfold from this point moving forward?