I wouldn’t change anything except for me, so I did

The topic of change is the longest blog post that I have ever written. I woke up this morning and thought that the topic would not be complete without talking to myself.

There are 2 significant things that had flipped my life around: Losing my dad, and giving up on my child. These are not happy things, but I often joke that I’m not so sure it’s a lucky or unlucky things, because I really like the version of myself now. Though I find my response somewhat cheeky, somewhat humorous, yet it’s a sad things upon further reflection.

The term happy childhood is subjective.

Of course, the word Fine is subjective.

So, too, is the word Blame.

The life pre-Dad’s death.
I believe I was happy, so, therefore, I was.

In the 27 years living under my father’s protection, I filled it with proper distraction. I loved going to school, I loved staying outdoor, I loved meeting new people, I minimized the interaction between me and my mother. I dragged the ideas of having to go back to the place I was supposed to call home but never felt like home.

I replaced school with work. I worked all day everyday, weekends. Then I had boyfriends, juggling between work and love became my second nature. I lived what I knew life was supposed to be – studying, working, dating, marrying – without knowing that my soul – the very thing that defined me is hanging on a thread. I’ve lived the life that my Father’s want or to be exact I have lived my father’s life and not mine.

I’ve lived as if there’s no other choice but to submit to my father’s wishes. My personal development was defined by the successful roadmap that my Father has drawn out. I must be rich, I must work hard, I must fine a suitable husband to make him proud.

Then he left, without a warning. Just disappeared into thin airs, I secretly wished times and again that I could trade my place with him. I wished that I could be dead and he’s still alive. He left me without an instruction of how to carry on with my life. I was lost, completely lost in darkness for awhile.

An Accidental Awakening
After he left, I started paying more attention to self. The nest that I supposed to called home officially became the tortured place because there will not be Dad who soothed my wounds once in awhile. My therapist said: Cái tổ khi ba còn sống có lúc đầy gai, nhưng cũng có lúc rất êm ấm thì bây giờ chỉ còn toàn là gai.

I was forced to grow, I need to grow, I have nowhere to go but to grow. I started to be aware. The awareness in me is not earth-shattering but a slow-growing light inside.

Then I met Camel in the midst of my slow growing awareness. We got pregnant together. I remember vividly sitting in my front yard at the blue-door-house thinking to myself that time is limited. My dreams of becoming a chef that I put aside for many many years will forever be a dream if I decided to give birth. I did not go when my father was alive because I worry that he will be so sad coming home and not seeing me. I did not go when my father was dead because I worry that my mother cannot live alone in a big house all by herself. I did not go when my sister came back from Australia because she needs me to help guiding her choosing the path of life.

There’s a common misunderstanding that Time is money. Time is much more precious than money and wealth, because time is a non-renewable source. Time passed and we can never take it back.

Between the unborn child, and my dream. I decided to give up on my child and give space for my dream. Somewhere under the pile of taking care of and worrying about everyone else’ dreams, I had forgotten my own. Until I had a choice, I had to choose between giving time to a new child, or giving time to build my dream. Thư told me: “Ở cái tuổi này của 2 đứa mình, cũng phải suy nghĩ phết đấy nhỉ?” And I did think long and hard, without the support I needed, I chose the latter. I chose to build my dreams because after all Time is limited. We only get to live one life, and I don’t want when I said good bye to life, I still have this one dream that never got fulfilled.

So I did, I went away. I built my dream, but little did I know. I also built myself, redefining my soul, my personality, my aura, my outlook about life. Little did I know, my life has transformed in ways that I could never imagine.

Who took the blame?

I wrote about Minh many times on this blog. I blamed Camel for being selfish, I blamed my Dad for leaving me. I said that if Dad was still alive, I would have kept the baby. That he would welcome me and my baby with open arms, and I would be forever happy. Let’s put delusional into the mix of my unawareness. Assuming that my fairy tales became true, did I really want that to happen? Especially now that I know I could be a terrible mother, a narcissist just like my mother and the vicious circle continues?

The answer is no.

It was not Camel, it was not my Dad, it was me. I’m the one who should take the blame. I was not ready for that kind of life changing. I was not matured enough, grown enough to take the responsibility of bringing another life onto Earth. I carried too much baggage with me at the time – my father’s expectation, my mother’s narcissistic way of love, my own version of societal responsibility. It would be irresponsible or me give life to a child, without knowing how to raise that life.

What has changed?

The 2 life-altering-events that happened to me are not happy events. I do not wish anyone to go through the things that I had to go through, but I’m glad it happened to me. It was necessary tests for me to grow. I really like the person I’m becoming now. I’m still learning and growing, the difference is I’m aware of the growth inside me, and I welcome it everyday.

If I have the Magic Lamp of Alladin, will I wish for my father to still be alive, will I wish for my child still with me, if she was she’d have been 3 by now.

The answer is No. I do not wish for my father to still be alive. His death is sad, but in all fairness and brutal honesty, it was good for me. Through this unimaginable pain, I have grown so much that I couldn’t recognize myself. I like the version I am without my Dad. I was thinking to myself that the ice cream I created, I would love for him to try out. But the reality is, I wouldn’t be able to create the magnificent ice cream without his absence. I was trapped tightly by his love and expectations.

The answer is also No, I do not wish for bé Minh to still be alive. I would be a terrible mother because I used to fear mothers, I would do whatever it takes to not be a mother. I would continue the vicious circle that my great-grand mother, my grand mother, my mother kept on passing. The appearance of Bé Minh was necessary, it was at the right time for me. And it was right to say good bye.

I do wish to perhaps will see her again one day, I’m ready now. I have slowly removed the emotional baggage from my shoulders, I have touched the foundation of love inside me. I do think that I still have a long way ahead of me, but I’m aware. The wealth that I was wishing for, the wealth of tenderness, nurturing and soft. I know now that I will be a good mother, I can be a good mother.

The circle has ended and from now on, if I am to be a mother, it will be a circle of love and light.

I truly believe so.

But do I want to be a mother?