I’m in pain. Physical pain, like my heart is actually feeling the pain. The insomnia has started, I went from sleeping all the way from 10-11 PM to 6 AM, now I can barely sleep. Last night I went to bed at 10PM, woke up at 11:30, try to sleep again, then woke up again at 2:30 AM, and my heart is in pain. Like an actually physical pain of the heart. I don’t know what heart attack looks like, but I’m guessing it’s the same as I was feeling at 3 AM today. All the way till this morning, well right now it’s still pain, not as painful as the one I was feeling at 3AM but pain. I want to sleep I don’t know, forever? I want to stay in bed and sleep and not wake up to feel the pain.

Right now, I’m still in pain. My heart is barely pounding, and I can feel it’s taking each time to push the blood through, my heart rate increase to an average of 88 bpm, that’s high, no wonder why I was feeling pain. My stress level is at 50. The emotional manifestation in my body is getting more severe by days.

Hurting is not a mere metaphor, but an actual feelings where I can feel most in my chest, then it spreads out to my arms and the tummy. I haven’t eaten in 3 days, zero food because I felt like if I was to put anything in my mouth I will vomit out. And I’m not hungry, or I don’t want to eat at all. I’m like a dog, when it got sick and just lied there cannot process any food.

I cannot pay attention to my dogs, my dogs know I’m sad so they try to be near me but I just can’t pay any attention to them.

So this is how heartache looks like, the real true kind. Not the kind that I used to suppress all my life, the pain was real, I feel tired even just to breath. I didn’t even feel like this when father passed away, well, when father passed away I turned off my emotions 100% and it’s all logics and the work. Is it bad of me to say that these last 3 days in worst than the 3 days funeral of Dad? Maybe it’s bad, maybe not. but it’s true. I can sleep through the days of the funeral, I can still eat. Right now, I can’t do neither. I knew that the funeral lasted for 3 days, and then perhaps it will end. But I have absolutely no idea how long these days will last, and will it get worse than this?

I cannot do that now, I lost that ability, the ability to be disconnected with the heart. It’s hard, harder than anything that I’ve ever been through in my life, it’s really really hard. I had to work, but my mind was just somewhere else, I cannot taste the ice cream, and tasting is really important. My tounge is dried and bitter, like there’s no life, like I don’t even remember what eating is like let alone the joy of eating.

Let me tell you how my day went yesterday, I lived in between my imagination and real life, I would look at a person, and the image is Camel is lurking right there. Like I can open my eyes and see him right there smiling with me, that’s how illusional my mind has drifted. I was talking with my friends and my mind divided in to two, one is talking, and the other one wishing him to be here with me. My heart stopped a beat, when I saw something was shipped to me, I opened and saw his address, I had to gather my breath before I can continue to operate.

I have been wondering, in all fairness, I’ve been living like this for a year, more than a year. We didn’t even meet, so my life is the same, nothing change, absolutely nothing, it’s not like last year when we first stopped seeing each other. How come I’m in this excruciating pain, much worse than I was ever before.

The answer was my imagination, even though we haven’t seen each other, I always see him with me. In my dreams, in my everyday work, in my bed when I woke up in the morning, and at my home when I entered the house. He was not physically here, but he was here with me in my mind. I told you before, I live in between the fantasy world and the real world effortlessly. The fact that he was just three kilometers away assure me with my imagination. I know that if I have good food, I can share with him, I know that if I want to buy him a present, I can give him. I know that if I need help, like if I got really sick, I can count on him to help me. Because he was always there. He’s the one that I can count on to help me whenever I’m in need, to discuss with me what to do when I don’t know what to do. He knew me from inside out, and I trust him with all my heart. Oh you know me, I have been writing on this blog to him the entire year, haven’t I? Some of the blog I imagined talking to him directly, like I used to through my letters. Writing is my art, just like him with his guitar. I need to write to express my feelings, and he needs to play the guitar to express his feelings. Even though right now, I’m still writing to him, aren’t I? Should I stop this too? This way of writing to him? Should I shut down this blog altogether? Is it causing me more pain? I created one topic ” Love” just to write to him, all of the poems I wrote, just for him. I wrote it with the imagination of him in my head. Should I stop that too?

Okay, finally I can cry. Tears are falling down as I’m typing these words out. I need a moment to compose myself before I can continue.

….

I spent the last year working and going home, no friends, no family, no nothing, I didn’t even go out for dinner or coffee, or movies, or anything. Oh I studied, a lot, every classes that I can join, distraction. I just want to go home, because at home there will be me and my imagination of him, always. Because I have him, I don’t need the world, he was my world, and that’s all I want in this life.

I have been wondering, that I truly love him, or is he an imitation of a figure. Like I just need a partner, and he was the only one I can think of, so I’m matching a face into a figure. After the physical pain that I’m experiencing now, I can be 100% sure that I truly love him, he has taken my entire heart, I love him so much that there’s no space for anything else.

The pain I’m experiencing now is my way of the heart trying to remove him, ripping apart the flesh of love that was so deeply embedded, in every single cells in the heart. I don’t know if it can ever be done, or just a desperation attempt.

You know my phone, I received a lot of text throughout the day for work, but there’s only one that matters to me. The text message from him. So yesterday, I know that I’m not allowed to expect the text message from him anymore, I don’t even want to look at my phone, or answering any texts.

So this is what truly loving a person feel like, the heartache, the pain, the removal process. I don’t know if I can have space for anything else, he’s the one great love that I have the chance to experienced, and I let it slipped through.

Truly loving a person is wishing the best for that person, that I need to respect and support whatever decision he made. Truly loving a person is knowing his values in life and support him to achieve it no matter what. Truly loving a person is not asking him to stay for you, to protect you, to be there for you, knowing that he’s has other priorities. That’s just very selfish of me, even though I really wanted to. But that’s not love.

My heart is soft, tender and full of love, I trust him so much that I gave him my heart, all of it, 101% of it, to trust that he will protect it, pamper it, nurture it. But you know that’s just selfish, I cannot push my heart to someone who doesn’t want to receive it. It’s not Christmas yet, but this lyrics echoed in my head: ” Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you gave it away”

Truly loving a person is letting him go without any worry about me. That he can go and live his life, the life that he wanted without any regrets for me. That he can go in peace and be happy.

I’m in pain, I’m hurt badly, but my heart is also durable. I will try my best to find a way to bring the broken pieces together. I don’t know how yet, because the pain is tough and really hard, but I know I got better. 2 days ago I cannot even cry, and now I’m crying typing these words out. That’s a progress, that’s something. Breathing is hard, I don’t know how the Garmin watch measured my stress level, but I’ve never seen it reached 79, and it’s 79 right now. Maybe I will never know how to bring the pieces together, but I’m thankful for the love.