This is bad, really bad of me to sabotage my life like this.
I was so tired that I passed out at midnight last night, and you know what? I woke up at fucking 3:30 AM, and I stayed awake all the way till now. So my mind right now is about half sleepy, half awake, kinda blurry.
But I know I am self-sabotaging, if I have a visual in my mind, it’s like I’m digging my own grave and trying to bury myself inside it. That’s bad, really bad, really really bad. And it seems like my body and my unconscious is supporting the behavior. Like I was expecting to sleep all the way till 7 AM, yet my eyes are wide opened at 3:30 AM. So I want to go back to sleep, but then I also want to wake up and do something more productive, like meeting and working.
I think the emotional monster Lorki is kinda tired now, so it’s time for my logical mind Odin to put in the work, we need to answer the below question:
what happened? what went wrong? Why I acted like this is the end of the world?
Odin: Hi Mai, what the fuck are you doing??? what the fuck did you doooo ? I’m angry at you, really angry at you. I expect you to be better than this. I expect you to love yourself, first and foremost. I expect you to take care of yourself. I expect you to live happily. I expect you to not throw a tantrum like a child.
Mai (looking down to her feet) speechless.
Odin: Okay, I should not be angry at you. I’m sorry. It was wrong of me, because I have been watching you trying to sabotage your life, as if tomorrow is the end of the world, that you are going to die. Well we both know you are not afraid of dying, you are more afraid of living, I know. But we’ve been through that. Did we have already composed 7 notes of changes, about your healing process? Let me put the words that we wrote together here ” I built my dream, but little did I know. I also built myself, redefining my soul, my personality, my aura, my outlook about life. Little did I know, my life has transformed in ways that I could never imagine.”
We have come so far, in the past couple months you have been healing inside out, with the speed of light. You have took all the bars of protection that you spent years trying to hide yourself inside, to reveal your true self, successfully. You have become a beautiful butterfly.
Someone who’s bringing beauty into life, someone who’s soft and tender, someone who’s full of love, someone who’s stand out from the crowd, someone who’s contributing happiness into the world.
We talk about it before no, that what’s your favorite animal. If we can be an animal who would we be, and we chose Elephant because the elephants are majestic, happy and does no harm to anyone. But we would also want to be a Butterfly because butterfly is beautiful, bringing happiness in the word and butterfly is also short-lived. The life is short, that’s why it’s beautiful. We also want that no? A beautiful short-life. We don’t want to leave anything behind, not even our names, we just want to contribute to the beauty of life for a short period of time. Now, we don’t want a it to be short, we no longer obsessed by the concept of time, long or short is just a human concept such as time. We just want to live a beautiful life, it can be long, it can be short, as long as it’s beautiful we are happy.
The key word here is beautiful, bringing beauty into the world is your mission. What you have been doing in the last 48 hours is not beauty, it’s self-destruction. I know you are sad, deep down to your core, but sadness can also bring beauty you know? You don’t have to destroy yourself to be sad.
I know it’s hard, because you have been trying so hard to improve yourself, to be a better version of yourself. And you succeeded. You opened your heart, your soul, and your love. It’s a beautiful isn’t it, you let love ran through your veins without any stopping point. You let love flourish in your atoms, it’s beautiful. Finally, you can taste the estacy of life. It’s a privilege, it’s an achievement, the work you have done on yourself over the past 3 years has brought the fruits. You were brave, and you are still very brave. Love is still running through your veins, and it’s a good thing. It’s proved that you are alive, you have a beautiful heart. Sure it’s broken, and bleeding hard right now. But it’s not exactly a smart choice to try to stop the bleed by doing stupid things like going on Tinder and looking for one-night-stand, it will make you bleed even more. And that’s the stupidity that I can’t accept.
Stuff like this is unacceptable Mai, you are in the light. And your so smart, so talented, so knowledgeable, so quick in thinking, and you are good looking, not too bad.
This is the kind of behavior that I can’t accept about you. You cannot let your emotions eat you alive like this.
Mai: But … but … my heart is broken .. into a million pieces. I left it at home already, put it in a bag, hide it in the closet and don’t want to bring it around anymore. I want to throw it away, to not have a heart.
Odin: That’s is another stupidity that got me so angry at you. We both know that your heart is still in chest, we both know that you got hurt deeply, but your heart is strong. It’s soft and tender but strong. After all, it has survived through all the heartache. It survived through mother, through father’s death and through the loss of bé Minh. It’s bleeding I know, a lot, I know, but it’s life. We should take care of it, give it strength to go through this, we should give it a chance to speak what it wants. What you did, is you are trying to silence your heart, like you used to be, and we both know it never brings a good results. Plus, I want you to think long and hard about what happened? Is it an illusion that you are created in yourself, like some kind of fairy tales again? I will let you ponder on this idea and let me know again.
Let’s talk about what went wrong: In the past couple months, so you healed, the pain that you were suffering, you took it out, and go through it one by one, until it’s all gone, until you find peace within your soul. And you showed your heart for the first time in your life. You showed it completely, 100% no hiding, no holding back, It’s like poker, you believed that you have a very good hands, and you go all in. Unfortunately, you got smack, right into your face, directly. It’s like a first time fighter go to a fight with all the courages and she faced Many Pacquiao, one strike and the fighter is dead, it didn’t even take 1 minute. Perhaps half a minute or so. Unfortunately, there’s no sugar and fairy tales, but brutal honesty. It’s an unfortunate, we didn’t expect that, but what can we do? We fought, we were brave, and we are not dead. So we pick the pieces together, and then we live to fight another day until we can see sugar and fairy tales.
Why are you acting like it’s the end of the world : I think it’s just fear. The fear of abandonment is taking over your entire body. You did this before, you were always the one who left, because you are afraid of being hurt. The first time you decided to stay, you ended up being the one who’s left behind. If that’s not karma, I don’t know what else can be more correct than this. We have to also understand that you chose this, you chose this man, you knew he’s just like you, he’s also afraid just like you. Same exact kind of fear, the fear of abandonment and subsequently the fear of commitment that’s what drawn you 2 together in the first place. You found familiarity, and similarity, you found comfort in someone who can understand exactly what’s in your mind.
Unfortunately, you have outgrown the fear, and he’s not. You are ready to live a full life, not saving anything back, because you expect the same thing from life. You are not the girl who only loves 50% like you used to be. You are the kind of all in, 100% love woman. And he’s not ready, and you think there’s a chance he will never be and there’s nothing you can do about it. You had secretly hoped that you want to use your love to open his heart, to let him feel the love that’s running through the veins and acknowledge it. But it’s just a hope, some kind of wishful thinking. Because each and everyone has their own separate path, you cannot help.
So you failed, it’s sad, it’s hurt, and you need time to heal. You will live, you will find someone who love you with all your heart, and you will give him all your heart in return. The presence of life is very expensive, you have to choose carefully of whom to give it to, you have to think twice before offering your life. We want to live a beautiful life, aren’t we? Let’s offer this beautiful life to someone who deserve it. 🙂