Hellooooo from Hoi An!
Oh it has been so long since I write this kind of opening for my blog, hello from a strange city. I’ve not allowed myself to travel, to see the outside world for so long, so long that I could not remember when was the last time that I travelled, was it the repatriation flight from Bangkok that it was the last time I flew. No, it wasn’t, I met Camel at the airport after that and took 2 more trips to Hoi An to prepare for my shop. So I’d say sometimes around June or July. That would mean it’s exactly 1.5 years since I actually took a trip to travel.
I was packing stuff for my travel and couldn’t help thinking: Wow, I’ve become someone that even I cannot recognize myself. My list of packing stuff now includes yoga pants, yoga shirts and yoga mats. I have become those kinds of people who’s thinking to herself that she cannot survive 4 days without exercising. Yes that’s me. I can’t even recognize myself, who’s this fitness addict? But that’s really me 😀 .
I was worried that without exercising for 4 days I will be sluggish, and tired. I need that dose of dopamine and endorphine to boost my mood. I mean given the situation I am in right now, I need all things possible that could help improve my mentality.
2/1/2022
I have been pondering on the the reason why I put my life totally on pause for the past year. Like put a pause button on life, I hid myself at work, bury myself deep into Bliss so much so that my excuse was I’m so busy and I don’t have time to go anywhere, do anything. Why?
The question sparks when I was on the plan flying to Da Nang, it’s been such a long time since I’ve been on a plane. I forgot how to pack for the plane, honestly. I used to have a routine, my special shoes for airport, my jackets, my water bottle, I had a bag that is specifically prepared for it. I bought a special luggage that has an open front so I can put my laptop in and I don’t have to carry it around so much. At least, I used to be, and here I am sitting in a plane and feeling so strange, I didn’t have my jacket nor my bottle of hot water so I was cold, I couldn’t remember the last time I was sitting on a plane so everything feels weird. The person I used to be seems like a stranger to me.
10/1/2022
I almost forgot what I wanted to continue to write in this blog. I want to write but then it’s hard to dig deeper in the mind when it’s already piled up with more stuff on top of it. Did I want to continue to talk about why did I bury myself so deep in my work, or did I want to talk about how strange it is to sit on the plane over looking the beautiful mountains, but felt so different than the last time. The last time that I remembered sitting on this plane overlooking the beautiful landscape is when I felt so happy because I’m going home. This time, it felt strange, like I’m going to a strange land, somewhere that I did not belong to.
Before I leave for Hoi An, Landon kept telling me that he won’t go out during New Year and he must told me that he’s not sure. I thought that was very weird because he thought I will demand to go out. I kept repeatedly telling him that no I want the same thing too, I just want to sit back and relax, I go to bed everyday at 8 PM and I don’t think I can last till 12 AM for what. Time is just a concept of human, it doesn’t exist, what’s the difference between 11:59 and 12:01 ? A change of calendar from 2021 to 2022, based on a calendar that some human 2000 year ago decided.
I waited until the last minute to book the air ticket, then I waited till the last minute to pack the stuff. It felt like I almost didn’t want to go, and I must push through this to go. I felt like I was pulled back by some invisible force and I must find all the courage in my mind to push this idea through. I’m glad I did.
And I know what invisible force that pulled me back. It’s my fear of confrontation. You know I can never argue right? It’s not because I’m very good at staying calm, but because I’m afraid of fighting, more specifically confrontation. If I can run, I will run even I know that I can never outrun my emotions. I know exactly what I was running away from, I was running away from the truth. I was running away from the moment that I arrived in Hoi An, driving my bike to Landon’ school and think to myself: I’m ready to give up on this relationship. I think this is the right time.
I remembered that was the first thing I told Landon and Chi Xuan when I arrived at the school. It was the most natural thought that came out of my mind as clear as the sky on that beautiful summer day in June 2020. I had it in my mind that when he came to visit, I will talk to him. I didn’t, when he came I did the exact opposite from what was so clear in my mind, I poured out more love and from then on, it’s spiraling downward. It’s like I turn into suicidal mode creating the false image of a person that was not the person in front of me, and I fell in love with that person, the person inside my head and not the person in front of my eyes. I refused to read the notes that I wrote to discuss with him simply because it’s the exact opposite of what I had in my mind. I refused to go places because I was waiting for the faulty image to come to life.
The reason I mentioned these information is because during the times I was in Hoi An, I dreamed .. a lot. The dream is very vivid, it’s the same patter repeating over and over again it was me and Camel, the actual Camel in my dream abandon me, leave me in the middle of nowhere and I don’t know where to go and what to do. I was lost and afraid, and I wanted help so bad, from just anyone. It was the same dream over and over again for 4 days, it felt like my unconscious painted those dream to prepare me for the reality. It happened again and again so I got used to it, I wasn’t sad anymore when I woke up simply because I knew what happened.
I read my notes on that day again, at the airport, and I want to copy it here because I want me to face the actual person. Perhaps he’s changed, but I doubt he had. A simple agreement that we made 3 weeks ago that he will tell me his side of the story, he will arrange to meet in the first week of new year didn’t come through. It’s like words have never been spoken out of him. Like I used to say: “lời nói của anh nói xong rồi thì theo gió bay đi luôn, chứ hông có thành sự thật”, through the end of the relationship, I no long have trust in him. Not the loyalty kind of trust but the kind of trust that in the worst case scenario, when everyone leave me, where there’s no one left on my side, I can trust that this person will be there for me. It’s the trust of life. He was not that person. He lost that trust and respect from me a long time ago, long before Minh appear and it became worst after Minh departure. He never earn it back from me.
- Tương lai:
Statement: Mai ko bao giờ discuss về tương lai cả –
Chung: 5 -10 năm nữa sẽ về hà nội. -> trong tương lai này chắc chắn sẽ không có Mai. Hiểu: sense of duty, phải giúp đỡ cha mẹ. Nên ko biết phải discuss tương lai như thế nào khi mình biết 1 điều chắc chắn là mình sẽ ko có ở trong đó. Cũng không thể nào nói rằng là anh đừng đi về hà nội vì như vậy – đi ngược lại principle của M, ko bao giờ yêu cầu người khác làm trái ý người ta – làm như vậy, là kêu anh chọn giữa cha mẹ và em, responsibility như thế e ko gánh vác được. Chẳng khác nào em kêu anh làm điều bất hiếu – em muốn đi tìm 1 người bạn đời, mà dường như đời sống của anh gắn liền với cha mẹ của anh. It seems like Long term commitment của anh là với cha mẹ anh, không phải với em – em có 1 quan điểm khác, người bạn đời của mình là người quan trọng nhất, cha mẹ con cái rồi cũng qua đi, là một hành khách trên chuyến tàu cuộc đời. Người bạn đời mới là người ở lại. – vì những lý do như trên, em discuss tương lai như thế nào đây? - Đòi hỏi phải quan tâm cha mẹ anh: – em cảm thấy điều này là đòi hỏi quá sức với em
1. Em ko biết ba mẹ anh là ai, anh cũng ko kể ba mẹ anh như thế nào. Em chỉ lụm lặt những bit rất nhỏ rồi gắn lại.
3. Anh cho là em là bạn gái của anh thì duty của em là phải quan tâm gia đình anh. Em ko nghĩ đó là duty của em.
2. Tình cảm và sự quan tâm ko phải là một thứ ép buộc. Em phải biết, phải quen và phải thích người ta thì em mới quan tâm được chứ.
4. Để đòi hỏi người ta làm gì, thì mình phải hỏi mình đã làm gì để help facilitate chuyện này. Em chưa bao giờ bị hỏi và bị ép buộc phải quan tâm cả. Tất cả phải xuất phát từ tấm lòng chứ. - Mình stuck ở giai đoạn yêu này từ rất lâu, và em cảm thấy là em muốn move on to next stage, nhưng mà anh ko thể. Hay là bây giờ mình lùi lại 1 bước, chỉ là hẹn hò thôi đi. Mình ko có commitment gì cả. Thật ra, em thấy mình đó giờ chỉ ở mức hẹn hò, tết em gửi quà cho mẹ anh, anh hỏi em: Tết e gửi quà cho mẹ anh, anh hỏi em: rồi anh nói là do em đưa hả. Tức là tết năm ngoái e đưa anh cũng ko nói. Tức là bản thân anh cũng ko công nhận mối qhe này. Mà anh đòi hỏi em phải quan tâm cha mẹ gia đình anh, vậy anh đã quan tâm gì ở gia đình em. At least 2 năm rồi, em đều có gửi quà mà còn bị hỏi như vậy, thì nếu anh là em, anh sẽ nghĩ sao.
- It takes 2 to tango. Tình yêu cần sự nuôi dưỡng, cần được bón phân thì mới đâm chồi nẩy lộc được. Em hiểu điều đó, nhưng em ko biết anh có hiểu không – em viết cho anh tổng cộng 25 lá thư, anh chưa viết được cho em 1 lá thư nào. Anh cũng còn chưa bao giờ hỏi xem địa chỉ nhà của em là ở đâu. Hồi em sắp đi, em hứa mình sẽ viết thư và về thăm khi có thể. Em giữ đúng lời hứa của mình. Anh có nói: anh sẽ xin Ray sắp xếp 1 tháng đi qua ở với em 1 tuần, rồi nào là mượn xe cuối tuần đi chơi abcdz. Lời nói đó theo gió bay đi vào ngay lúc đó luôn – anh còn ko nói được câu anh thương em, anh nhớ em, mà chỉ có 1 mình em phải cố gắng bón phân, gửi lời cảm ơn, gửi lời yêu thương. 1 người thì không thể nào làm công việc của 2 người được, quả thật rất mệt. Em gửi tin nhắn chào buổi sáng anh cũng ko trả lời, riết rồi em ko gửi nữa. Tất cả những việc em làm dần dần em ko làm nữa, anh có bao giờ hỏi tại sao ko? Những conversation của mình, tất cả đều là do em đề xuất. Nếu em ko đề xuất thì anh nghĩ khi nào mình sẽ nói chuyện. Khi mình mới bắt đầu, em nghĩ anh là người lãng mạn lắm chứ. Anh viết thư cho em, em viết lại. Cái đó last được 3 tháng, xong anh trở thành người khô khan. Quen với anh, ko hoa ko quà ko bánh. Xong em nghĩ chớ anh nói anh nhạc sĩ tâm hồn lãng mạn, mà anh đối xử với em còn khô hơn cả ngói.
- Sex: hoặc là anh cảm thấy anh ko thích em nữa, hoặc là anh bị vấn đề về thể chất. Mình xa nhau 5 tháng rồi, em ngủ ở nhà anh 3 lần, chỉ sex duy nhất 1 lần. Lần nào em cũng suggest, anh accept 1 lần, 2 lần từ chối. Như vậy đâu phải là yêu nhau. Điều gì đã khiến anh làm như vậy?
You know what happened after this? I was really ready to let go I was clear in my head, I had it all planned out. And the he visited me, and the 4 days he was there is was magical. It was as if the 5 things above doesn’t exist, sex was amazing, we laugh, we joke, we eat, it seems like I can have 10,000 meals with a person like this in the future. I know I can.
That’s when my brain tricked me, the 4 days was a utopia that doesn’t exist. I love the person I was with when he was removed from all of his emotional baggages and life luggages. That person does not exist in real life, I fell in love with the wrong person, I fell in love with only one part of the person and ignore the rest. I fell in love with the man who travel with me in SriLanka, where I handed him the coconut because I was scared of the monkey. I fell in love with the man in Nepal because he shared the love of mountain with me and doesn’t complain. I fell in love with the man in Phuket, in Chiangmai, in Hoi An. I never fell in love with the man in Sai Gon, or in Ha Noi. I never knew how to deal with this person in the city we are living together, I’m already strange but this person is even stranger than me, weirder than me and I thought that was interesting …. until it wasn’t. I dislike the image of Mama’s boy he’s carrying around, so I rejected that person altogher, I didn’t have trust, didn’t have respect and then I also didn’t have empathy. I refused to care what he cares about. My argument above is wrong at some part, some are true, but some are just as cold as ice. This is not the language of a loving person to another loving person. I was pretty immature when I compose these ideas and writings, but it has some truth in in. The truth is he doesn’t have my trust, my empathy and my respect.
In the last conversation that we had, he said that because he loves me too much, he’s afraid of losing me so he must let go first. I understand this so deeply and so profoundly. But I want to bring it to a deeper level than this, he was too afraid of losing me in the future, he already lost me in the past, long before Covid happened. I was not there anymore. I gave up on Minh partly because I cannot trust this person also. Do you notice that all of my dream about Minh, there’s no representation of the father anywhere? It was always between me and my child, that’s how deeply distrust I am to this person, unconsciously.
Going to Hoi An is the last step I needed to move on to face the real truth for truth, like seeing things for it really is. I found myself again, I found myself in the activity that I did, the true self. I slowly walked out of the imaginary bubble that I created. I can almost tasted the fresh air that was going through my lungs. I’m free now, free of my imaginary thought.
I came back to Saigon a different person, I walked out more, doing the things that I used to do, going to places that I used to go. I must continue this life in this city without this imaginary image, it’s a hard thing, it took a lot of effort and courage, and I did it.
Buddha has said: all humans sufferings started with illusions, and that’s exactly what I’ve been through. My sufferings is coming from my illusions.
I slowly walk back into life, a changed woman. A better version of myself, perhaps that’s what I needed, perhaps the path to growth is the path of pain.
Chị Tiên told me: Làm người bình thường, đi theo con đường bình thường, làm đủ các bước, đi làm lấy chồng sinh con nuôi con là đã đủ mệt, đủ khổ rồi.
I looked at her, a woman with a big house, a loving child, a childlike husband whose mother visit every 3 months to prep breakfast for him in Da Nang. And I can confidently say that not in a million life that I want to trade the life I’ve been through with Chị Tiên’s life.
The path to awareness is hard, it includes a lot of pain because we have to tear through all of our protective layer. I’m a chef, I have so much money, I am talented, I can do a lot of thing, I graduated from the best school in the world, I’m cool, I don’t need anyone, I don’t need love, I can walk away anytime I want, …. to be eventually just the last piece that left, the solar plexus that is raw and naked, to experience the essence of life.
Sometimes like right now, I find life exhausting. I’m tired. I’m stressed out. I want to go to sleep.
You know, when I was very young, perhaps 5 years old, I watched the movie sleeping beauty and kept wondering what does death look like. Then one day, after a full night of sleep, I knew what death looks like, it’s like going to sleep but never wake up, from then on I no longer am afraid of death.
What if tonight I go to sleep and then I stop waking up from then on?
