Hiiiiii there !!

It’s been such a long time since we can talk again through this blog post. I had such difficulty accessing the blog, and then I got Covid, big Time. I was so tired that no version of me could actually sit and start writing.

Today is the first day I started feeling better in the last two weeks. Of course, I still couldn’t exercise, but at least I could sit for 15 minutes meditating. I don’t know where to begin to describe my thoughts and my mind to you. It’s been sitting with each other, entangling until I can’t find a clear streak of view. Well, it has to start at something.

I want to begin with the concept of Time. Oh, do you know that it was my birthday three days ago? A couple of years back, I made a big deal out of my birthday. My parents are not sentimental, so I don’t have many good birthdays growing up. My father is absent and lazy, so he gave me 10 million every birthday and told me to do whatever I wanted. So I threw it away on booze, glamorous party.

At its height, this was the last party that I threw. I made a theme out of it. Made clothes for people to wear, rooftop party. An actual party where the guest came home with gifts.

I’d probably spend around 60 or 80 million on that party if I recall correctly. That’s a lot of money, but not a lot of money for a party. The following day, when I woke up from all the booze and the puke, a thought came to my mind: ” How is it any different than any other party that I joined every week? Except for the fact that I paid it all, and I get to be the center of attention which I don’t need to be, I never want to be.” There’s nothing that I gain after the party, except that I felt sick for the whole week. I decided that the life of the party was over. From the next birthday moving forward, I will spend it all on myself, learning something, doing something, and allowing myself one spoil thing with no question asked.

In the next following seven years I traveled. “Once a year, go somewhere you have never been.” I took this statement to my heart. I traveled to strange lands. It doesn’t have to be somewhere fancy or far away, it just has to be a new place. One year I went to Ly Son, the other I went to Vang Vieng, you know the new place. When I was with Camel, I was pretty excited, I thought we could do it together. Exploring a new area alone is fun, but I do believe exploring a new place with the loved one is double fun.

It didn’t happen. One year, I was too obsessed with the idea that it had to be on that exact date, and Camel had to work on an exhibition he had to join in Bangkok. So I went ahead and travel alone without him. I was too obsessed with the idea that I had to go somewhere new on March 15th, to make it memorable. I was consumed by the idea that I disregarded my loved one’s feelings and emotions. I didn’t have any empathy for him. I can recall that exact moment, while I was laying on his bed, booking the vacation and tell him: “Rủ anh đi chơi khó quá hà, hẹn gần thì anh nói không báo trước, hẹn xa thì cũng ko được luôn, vậy là rốt cuộc khi nào sẽ hẹn được?” I was talking while my hands are booking the air ticket because it’s quite cheap if I booked ahead. I didn’t like that version of myself, I was selfish, inconsiderate, insensitive, and unempathetic.

If I had to do it all over again, I would have asked him to find the Time, where his calendar allows him to go, and we will celebrate our birthday together at a later time. I would stay back, and wait for him to come back from work, we could easily make some food and eat. At the end of the day, it’s the Time that we can spend together count. Calendar is just some concept that some other humans has created, it helped us to manage our work, but then we get to obsess with it ( like I was ) that I forgot the meaning of the “Actual time”.

I’m telling you this story because finally, I have found my concept of Time. On February 1st, I was staying at a homestay right over looking the Tra Que vegetable garden. That is the first Time in my 32 years of existence, that I spent the first day of New Year alone, doing exactly what I had in mind. You know with Lunar New Year, we dressed nicely, giving wishes, visiting each other, I thought the garden is going to be empty. But, to my surprise, the farmer went out and water their gardens, like any other day. So it turned out, couple of days before Tet, they were busy selling stuff at the market, and the garden hasn’t been fed with water, now that the market is close, the garden needs to be taken care of. It’s then I realize the meaning of Time.

Time is not when the calendar tell us that it’s the beginning of the year, and we all have to dress nicely, gamble, singing karaoke. Time is not when there’s number 1/1 on the piece of paper that we printed out. True-time is when the garden needs to be water, true-time is when I can spend quality time with my loved one whenever, wherever.

That’s when the story of my birthday came in. This birthday, I did nothing. I didn’t plan to travel, I didn’t plan to go for fancy dinner, I didn’t plan for it to be anything special at all. Having gone through all the peaks of fancy parties, fancy travel, normal travel, I realize that it’s nothing but just another day. It’s a bit special this year because I was stranded in Bangkok for two weeks, and came home precisely on my birthday morning. I also happened that my Life Coach is free to meet me for 3 hours. I realize it’s unique only if I made it special, or it could just simply be a typical day. So I decided to make it like another day, plain and straightforward.

One thing though, this plain and straightforward is not like the simple and plain of the farmers. This is back to point zero adding in the level of sophistication that I have gone through. I kept telling you, I feel like in this lifetime, I have lived many lives, short but effective.

I have more to say, but it’s already 9:30 AM. I will start writing every morning before work because that’s when my mind is clear.

See you tomorrow 😀