On the way home from the immigration office, the only thing in my mind was I want to be home, sitting comfortably in my sofa and write out my distress.

I was not able to extend my visa, well I can but only 7 day instead of 30 days like other country. I read most of the review and obviously no Vietnamese write about extending their visa in Thailand, sounds absurd.

I realize through times, I mostly write when I’m anxious, stuck, confused. It’s my way of dealing with my negative emotions. When I’m happy, I don’t see the need to write, or in my word ” too lazy to write” .

Whenever I’m in trouble (which mostly cause by myself), I felt incredibly lonely. It’s only I and myself who can help me and No one else on this Earth. I have always been feeling the same way every time I’m in distress. I caught myself in the last couple days, wishing for someone somehow can offer a hand of help to me. Somebody who could actually say: ” I’ve got your back”. Somebody who could share my Nervousness, my anxiety, my stress without any kind of judgement – the kind that said ” well, you brought this onto yourself, you gotta solve it yourself”. Somebody who could truly listen to my problem. Somebody I could say : I’m tired, can you take care of the rest for me?

I’m finding tears rolling down from the corner of my eyes after writing this paragraph. Paradoxically, it’s a good thing and a bad thing. It’s a good thing because I was able to deal with my emotions. It’s a bad thing because it felt like I’m yearning for the impossible.

Truth is: “I’ve always been alone, even as a child. I’m afraid I will always be alone because I don’t know how else to be”.

Suddenly, there’s this image of little me, trying to get by everyday and thinking to myself that no matter how much my Dad love me. I gotta do this alone. I feel like I’m a pronounced atheist but wishing for an angel when the storm arrive.

A week ago, I had an interesting conversation with my therapist through Skype. He’s the one who’s helping me since the beginning of last year 2018 through this emotional transformation process. Back then, after a prolonged break up with my ex boyfriend, I went in to see him with the sole purpose of curiosity. I had the following question coming to see him:

• I’m the one who has always wanted to break up, why did I feel so sad when it’s actually happening?
• I always have a hunch that this is absolutely the wrong person, even from the very first kiss, why did I choose to continue?
• There’s a strong message from my unconsciousness that screaming ” get out” , I did so, but I also bowl to agree to come back whenever the opposite disagree with me?
• And by the end of the session, What’s my purpose on this Earth ?

At the end of the very first session, all of my other question about relationship seems like “a joke” to me. I feel like I was just complaining.

After 5 session of hypnotherapy, I was taught and trained to be in contact more with my unconsciousness. I was taught skills to be living more “ecological” with myself, not necessarily in according with the social norm, but more with my value so that my “inner self” doesn’t have to scream out ” get out” every time. At that time, I thought that was it, I’m now a grown matured woman who know how to be comfortable in life.

Looking back, I’m embarrassed by my Naïveté. Turn out, it’s just a very first step of stepping into the realm of learning to be emotionally matured. It has now been almost 2 years, and I’m still learning, improving everyday. My therapist remain my source of knowledge. I don’t have a particular timeline with him. But I know that from time to time, I have the feeling that I need to speak to him.

This time around, he said that I’ve learned how to be happy with myself, to be happy alone. It’s time to learn how to be happy together with someone else.

I couldn’t be more excited about this journey.

I’d like to end this note with a teaching from the Buddha, it means that we have it in our own hands to bring about our own happiness and to overcome our own suffering.

Fore-run by mind are mental states, 
Ruled by mind, made of mind. 
If you speak or act with corrupt mind, 
Sorrow follows you, as the wheel the foot of the ox. 

Fore-run by mind are mental states, 
Ruled by mind, made of mind. 
If you speak or act with clear mind, 
Happiness follows you, like a shadow that does not depart.