I have been pondering on this thought for couple of days now.
This is what I do I ponder till I feel ready or have enough information in my head to actually sit down and type it out.
Today is 28th of February which marks almost 1 year since I arrive in Thailand and 1.5 years since I took all my courage( with the amazing mental support from my boyfriend) to leave the place I used to call Home and then for the later part “My Mother’s House”.
Since then, I have changed a total of 4 cities, 5 homes and most likely going to be 5 cities and 6 homes in the coming month. My move is so frequent and so fast that I developed a systematic routine for it. Here’s what I do for each and every move:
- Pack all the essentials and ship by Post prior to my arrival to the next place
- Arrive, Rent a motorbike. Immediately unpack
- Change my “Home” and ” Work” address on my Google Maps for navigation
- Look for the closest restaurant where I can have my staple food, laundry etc
- Go to the market to buy some most needed supplies i. e: a 5 liter water bottle so that I can refill, detergents…
- Off I go exploring the neighborhood
It doesn’t sound too hard or too complicated, yet it works so perfectly for me. It’s worth it to note that it’s essential to follow these steps by orders and not the other way around.
During this process of going from one place to another, I have discovered that I don’t need much. My luggage becomes lighter and lighter every time I move. There are only a few essential items that I used daily, the rest is mostly “nice to have”. I also discover that securing a place to call Home is the most important thing in my life. I notice that whenever I am panic, anxious not knowing what will happen next, it’s mostly because of I’m lacking of a place to call Home. An address to send stuff to and receive stuff from others.
As soon as I settle down, following the 6 steps above, then I’m pretty comfortable. I guess the importance of solidifying a space for myself is crucial to my wellbeing. I’d like to call it a “Safe Space” in which I feel safe and secured. My mind won’t rest until I know that I have a Safe Space to go to.
1 month ago, while on the process of moving from Khok Kloi to San Kampaeng there’s a brief period of 2 weeks that I basically was homeless in the land of Thai. That was very scary, frustrating and uncomfortable.
I went to the post office to send some stuff and realize I have no return address. The “From” was blank, I stood there in the Post Office for awhile, feeling incredibly miserable. Then, eventually write down my old address in Bangkok, the first apartment that I stayed in Prakanong.
That kinda misery, kinda lost, kinda sorrow feeling follows me to this day. I guess my Therapist was right, with the absence of my Father, follows the absence of Home or a “Safe Space” for me.
The effects of not having a Home affects every decision of my life. Don’t get me wrong, not all of it is down moment. It definitely has it up and high moment.
I can practically live anywhere in the world, because I don’t belong to anywhere.
Glen – My neighbor told me so
I am now half way into of 1 month staying in a new Safe Space. About 2 or 3 days ago, I already felt agitated, almost like anxious that I need to know where will I be after the stay in this Camp end. Thus bringing to the thoughts of writing this notes.
I have a totally different intention when started typing out this note. It was originally something about Solitude and Nomad and all sort, but I guess my emotions have to come out first before everything. I will continue to write on this topic tomorrow.
