The nightmare has started coming back to me for the last couple days. Things has been really tough in this small town. I thought no matter how chaotic the outside world is, this small town will just remain the same, there won’t be any changes. But eventually, it officially crashing since yesterday. Lots of bad news comes all together, I guess that’s why I feel incredibly stress and frustrated. Thus, the nightmares.
Between the fragmented nightmares, one of the thing that I can remember very vividly is the reliving of my childhood. It started in my childhood home that I no longer live in. I just went back home from school, my Mom already sit and wait for me with my sister. The moment she saw me she immediately yell at me, for something I’ve done wrong as usual. She has been waiting to meet me just to yell at me. I didn’t get to finish what I was gonna do downstairs in that small house. I ran to my room still hearing her yelling out loud alone. I then tried to find a reason to leave home. I left to a probably neighbor house maybe ? There was a dog that was following me everywhere, but his owner called him back. So there I was in the middle of the street, all alone and has nowhere to come back to. I woke up in the middle of the night and feel incredibly sad for myself. As if this drama still exist to this day.
The situation in this small town is not making better. My gym closed down completely till the end of this month. Lucky I found a very nice place to stay at the moment so I’m safe and sound till about April 12th maybe. The government in Vietnam has issued a new order that all new ppl coming into the country will immediately be quarantined for 14 days in somewhere that I don’t know. At least in here, I still have my freedom. Even without the freedom, I have a rice field and a flute. I could have listened to my bf and gone home this week to be safe. But I still have my medicine and my flute lesson that I depended on.
All of my friend from the gym slowly left the city, yesterday Ian, the fighter of the gym left because USA called all the citizens home before commercial flight shut down. I thought Ian would be the last one to leave the place, but he left before me. There was Alex gonna leave on Monday, Elijah , Thoma and Same most likely on Sunday.
Writing all this down making me feel very frustrated because it looks like it’s getting really real for me. Perhaps, because of my stupidity, stubbornness, recklessness and a little bit of naiveté I will be stranded in strange land illegally since my visa gonna ended on April 12th. And that doesn’t even factor in the the amount of money I have left in this country. I still have a 30,000 baht left to live. I think it should be enough for awhile.
Usually while typing all things down will make me feel better as I was able to visually and see how my emotions are different to me. But today, I still can’t get my head around all this. As I don’t know what to say. I will continue to write in the next post
