To keep myself sane and positive during this chaotic time, I decided to write my daily thoughts. I think it will help me to reflect as a persona and how I am cope with the situation.

I just finished a call with Ly today checking on her Bangkok situation, what she does at home, how she copes with the situation because I know she can’t stand staying home. She seems to be okay, staying at her boyfriend’s place at the moment. So funny, she offered me if I want to go to Bangkok, stay at her place since she doesn’t use it. I found it so cute 🙂 . She just try to help with whatever she has. I appreciated these gesture so much.

These are tough times for everybody – many of us have family in other parts of the world and it is a tough decision where to stay put for the months to come. This crisis has started to take a bit of a toll on me.

The nightmares comes daily though I feel quite positive during the day. I kept pondering on the nightmare I mentioned the other day, the one I relive my childhood with my mom waiting for me to get home just to yell at me. I think it was because the idea of having to come to live in My mother’s house for awhile terrified me. So much that my subconsciousness has to stand up and remind me how horrible it was before.

I also want to understand how and why I kept on refusing to go back to Vietnam despite my bf’s warning. I think it’s about 2 or 3 weeks ago, he did warn me way before any of this happen that I should go home, flights maybe not available anymore. Things will shut down and I might get stranded probably for the months to come. I deliberately chose to stay. But why ? Why did I choose to stay?

“Safe Space” is what comes to my mind. I mentioned about this when I first arrive in Chiang Mai, with the absence of my father – the ultimate safe space I can no longer have, I need a physical safe space to replace his absence. In Saigon, I don’t have a place to call Safe Space. In San Kampaeng, even in this small room that I rent for just one month, it’s my ultimate safe place. I feel safe here, despite all the rationals and all the logical explanation, I have no power over my feeling.

I think it’s my unconsciousness decision to make it a priority that I feel safe. Even with all the understanding about how I was brought up, and how the childhood does not matter anymore. I’m a grownup, my mother is no longer waiting for me to get home just to yell at me. In fact, we have been communicating and she doesn’t yell at me anymore. Somehow, I’m still very scared and afraid. Somehow, I still feel like I’m alone in this world, and I need to take care of myself by doing something makes me feel safe. The last image from my nightmare that I woke up from is me trying to run out of home just to be out without a destination, the thing that I has been doing my entire childhood is the proof of that.

It might sound crazy to anybody who listen to my story, it does make a lot of sense to me. I can totally understand that it’s hard for anybody but myself to accept this fact. The fact that I struggle with my own mother and my own sister.

There’s a lot of sadness going on in people’s face around here. There are only a few number of my friends that stay around. A lot of them gonna leave by next week, Alex and Curtis by Monday, Nadia by Wednesday, Sam and Elijah soon. In about a week time, I might be officially the only one left here. This thought frightens me.

At this point, I want to go back to Vietnam. Though I don’t want to join the panic crowd, I don’t want to stay in concentration camp, I believe it’s a little bit horrible and very unsafe. My time window is actually gonna close very soon. Vietnamese Embassy in Bangkok just issue a statement, that if any citizen wants to go home should sign up. There’s only one airlines left that still operating the flight but only to Ha Noi, and we don’t know if it’s gonna cancel soon too.

In moment like this, I really really wish that I can have a direct line calling heaven to reach my Father. Like a speed dial, I then can ask him for the advice and suggestion. Or he will listen to me explaining the entire situation, the pros and cons and tell me to pick the best one. Or he will just tell me, you do whatever you think best cuz you already know it.

I’m not sure what I want to or should do at this moment weighing all the option. I will let this matter rest for now and hopefully the answer will pop up somehow.