I feel tired today ! Really Really really Tired!

Hôm nay mình cảm thấy rất là mệt. Mình bắt đầu thức dậy từ 7 giờ sáng mà mãi đến 9:30 sáng vẫn chưa thể ra khỏi giường.

9:45 sáng, mình quyết định phải thức dậy đi ra khỏi giường và đi ra ngoài một lát cho tỉnh người. Mình vừa đi vừa nghĩ, vì sao hôm nay mình lại mệt thế nhỉ? And there it is, hôm nay là ngày thứ 5 kể từ ngày mình ngưng uống Hydrocortisone, chắc là cơ thể mình đã xài cạn lượng cortisone trong người mất rồi. Cũng là mình chỉ đoán thế, nhưng thật sự mình rất mệt.

Đi ra ngoài được một lát chừng nửa tiếng đồng hồ là về tới nhà chỉ muốn nằm nghỉ thôi. Cảm giác mình không thể tập trung làm gì, hay ăn uống gì cả, mình chỉ muốn nằm thôi.

That was the paragraph that I wrote this morning, writing in Vietnamese takes a lot of my brain power. I don’t know why but the words aren’t flowing. I keep on typing and re-typing trying to find the right word, the right pronoun. Boy, I don’t even know what to call myself, should I call myself : Em, Mình, Tôi, Tui … The word Tôi is the most common word, but somehow for me that sounds so rigid, so angry, so aggressive. Perhaps, it links to how the northern people represent themselves ? And I associate these characters with this Pronoun ? Maybe, it’s very normal ?

I spent most of my time in bed today, I was so tired it’s unbelievable. It felt like I cannot even think, walk, or eat properly. Like my body is going to a total shut down mode. I was feeling fine for 5 days because I didn’t work hard, I just walk around without running. Now I remember how I felt back then in Khok Kloi every morning, I need to drink a little bit of Ginseng, back to bed for 30 minutes and eventually wake up. I will need to start the process again now since it will be around 7 more days till I can get a proper diagnosis. My doctor did warn me though, she said you will feel tired.

My day goes like this:

I went out for 30 minutes, back to bed, then went out around 2:00 PM to make some food. Most stupid decision ever! My bike doesn’t work, I’ve changed the bike 4 times, I used a mini bicycle instead, it was very very hot. I feel like I was burning under the sun. I got home and went straight back to bed, my heart rate is 101, then after 2 hours 91, that’s just so crazy compared to this morning at 60. If I’m gonna stay here for awhile I better buy a proper machine to monitor myself.

My school in Japan sent out an email, I can no longer attend the school in April. Which makes this decision to stay in San Kamphaeng even more stupid ! I wasn’t thinking at all. I’m trying not to blame myself, but I was really stupid. Especially now it’s getting really hot and dry, I feel very uncomfortable and tired here. I’ve never been in the area that is dry and hot ( humidity 18% today). Now I wish that I would have listened to my partner. I want to go back to Vietnam so bad.

Well, this is not the time to regret. Or anytime is not the time to regret, I just need to follow through. Times to find a solution for my stupid decision.

One of the great thing about staying here is though, I can continue to find the sickness that I might/ might not have. Because of the special condition, I was forced to change the doctor. I think the doctor I spoke with in Bangkok Hospital seems to be better than My Doctor in Bumrungrad Hospital. She took my symptoms quite serious, especially for the fact that she requested me to stop medication for 7 days to see how my body improved. The doctor at Bumrungrad didn’t ask for stopping, he would have had me continue with the medicine, just to test for the dosage.

Me and my partner spoke a little bit today, it’s better than say couple days ago, but I can feel an enormous distance. A resistance! I have had some questions, and I’ve been wondering how his days go, so I took my pride off, and start asking.

However, the conversation doesn’t seem like flowing to me. The vibe was cold and distant. I don’t know if it’s I’m just sensitive, or because we are in a fragile stage right now. I’m feeling like I’m tip toeing on egg shells around him. And that’s also hard too.

On one hand, as times pass by, I feel more and more guilty or responsible for our relationship. I feel like I’m the one who’s at fault and I gotta fix it, or trying to fix it. As I said in the previous post, my mentality for our relationship is that I’m not good at this, so I make fault, the repairs also part of the learning process. I’ve read far more than enough books about relationship that I should know what to do. I’m still trying.

On the other hand, I can’t keep myself from thinking the opposite. The resistance to reconnect, the distance, does it mean he’s tired and thinks about giving up on our relationship? I don’t know if it’s because he’s still angry at me or because this is it? Does he only feel responsible now for me, as I’m not well, and quite frankly ” stranded on another country” probably for months to come?

Is that why he kept on insisting talking about nothing else but my doctor’s report? Because I have no other solution except for contacting through phone as I cannot come back to meet. I’m dying to come back to meet him and have a proper discussion, but at the moment I cannot, I tried. I’ve been growing on the idea of going back by bus, but I need at least 1 more week before my blood test and result comes back. Maybe even one more week to wait for the medicine to ship from Bangkok.

If it is the case, I would like to have the talk now rather than dragging it for months to come. I know that I would like to try and continue, but it takes two to tango. If one partner doesn’t want to tango, it’s just ending up hurtful for the other partner. It will be sad, it will devastating but I prefer to know sooner that later.

I would like to know if I should continue to try or not? I know it’s not a fair question as everything needs time, and during this times things are unclear.

Additionally, I also need to care for myself, I’m also hurt. My heart shattered when words are spoken. My wounds are big, open and quite new, that’s why I’m very sensitive. I felt like I’m afraid of him, very afraid. So afraid that I always think twice or 3 times before saying anything. And I was wondering to myself, when will there be the next time? Will there be the next time? If there will be the next time, I don’t know if I will have the ability to ever be able to talk to him again if this sentence is repeated. It’s not like I will hate him and decide to not talk, more like I’m so afraid that I can’t find the courage. I will be so terrified of him that I will not be able to speak again. This thought also frightens me.

Every time we speak, I’m afraid out of the sudden, he will say: ” Anh không thích nói chuyện với em. Em để anh yên. Anh không có trách nhiệm phải trả lời em. Em để anh yên.” That will be really really hurtful for me. This is the first time someone has used these words in my life. Before I started sending any message, these sentences appear in my head first, then I will try to accept if it’s gonna be put out, what will I do, then I will start.

With the complicated relationship with my Mom, I’m extra sensitive with these language, and it will immediately take me back to my childhood when my Mom so often than not, stonewalling me. I know he has the rights to be angry, but I wish he could use a softer kind of language, something like: “ I’m not in the right state of mind right now, I would like to have sometimes alone to myself. I need 3 days before we can talk again or I will tell you when I’m ready”

Like I said I’m not good at mind reading, I think nobody does. This guessing game makes me feel really tired and exhausted. Yet, I’m still trying. One day at a time for now!

It maybe just the lack of hormone speaking, it maybe be really me. But I’m really tired today, physically and mentally. I tend to think more negatively today. Like there’s now 5 paragraphs of negative thinking vs 1 paragraph of positive thinking. Maybe tomorrow I will think about it with a better mind?

But, honestly, I really don’t know what I should do !