Chiangmai Semi-Lockdown Day 11

The government on Thursday reported 104 new local cases of coronavirus disease 2019 (Covid-19) infections, bringing the total to 1,875, with three new deaths raising the toll to 15. Situation is getting worse everyday, the market not so near my house got shut down and cleaned because there was one lady have Covid there. I haven’t been to any market ever since.

I haven’t have the mind to write anything in the last 2 days. On Tuesday night, I was very confused and anxious, yesterday I was just simply tired. I was wondering was it because of the lack of Cortisol in my body. First it was my physical body – Day 5 into the withdrawal, I felt very tired. It’s Day 10 now, my mental capacity seems to be decrease as well. I feel like my mind is covered by a cloud. My thought wasn’t clear, I couldn’t express myself in a better way. I feel like I cannot draft out the blog in my head like I used to 2 weeks ago.

I couldn’t find myself to concentrate for a period of time like I used to do as well. Writing journal became a harder task like it used to be.

While waiting for the result from testing. In one way, I was hoping that what the doctor predicted about my condition is real so that I can get treated. In the other way, I was hoping that the thing I’m experiencing was just my imagination and I don’t need any medicine.

These past few days, I tend to think toward negativity. The other day, I was telling my partner that if I ever fall into a coma, please do not resuscitate me. I was thinking in my head: if I die, I die, please do not try so hard. Obviously, I can hear in myself there’s a lack of will to live. I’m not suicidal in anyway, I don’t want to just go out and risk myself and die. But I don’t have that much will to fight for my life either if I fail into a tragic situation like Covid tragedy or Cancer Tragedy.

I was thinking if I was my partner, and hearing me saying that, that would have been really hard for him. If I were him, would be so angry at myself. I understand that it’s a very irresponsible statement. Despite from time to time, he has his down moments, I think overall, he has an enormous amount of patience and love for me. He tends to be the kind of person who does not show love, but show a lot of worrisome. I guess that was his language of love, or he does not know how to show love in any other way. I’m still afraid of him though. Like a student afraid of the teacher.

I have so many nightmares, even through my nap time during the day. I cannot remember most of the nightmares, but I know in all of them, I was the one who anxiously asking around for an answer, like I wasn’t prepared for anything and now I’m failing behind. Such a strange feelings. I don’t know what’s so deep in my mind that I worried so much?

Beside what’s going on in my mind, I still find my happy moment with P’Mai. She has an incredibly gentle heart & soul. Last night she call me out to come and have a beer with her. It was these moments that help me find peace in this shifting times. My ability to converse in Thai has increase tremendously. I was able to joke and discuss in Thai 🙂

P’Mai has herniated disk, in Vietnamese it’s called “lệch đĩa đệm cột sống thắt lưng”. She was in so much pain yesterday and today that she couldn’t open the shop. I told her to go to the doctor and recommend the chiropractor that I visited awhile ago. She refused because she said in Thai: ” Lately, I don’t have much money and I have to pay for car & house save. I must save”. I told her that I would pay for her visit to the chiropractor (though I don’t have a lot of money now). I have 1,500 baht in cash and almost 5,000 baht in Bank account, but I think helping a person in need is much more important. I gave her the money to went to the chiropractor. First time will cost 1,000 baht and every time after that is 500 baht. I told her I will help her till the pain is gone. The doctor suggested 3 times which will cost 2,000.

She will close the restaurant for 3 days, which means no income for 3 days. But at least she’s trying. I will try to help her as much as I can.