Chiang Mai lockdown day 16

I’m frustrated. Very frustrated. Almost like I’m gonna have a panic attack. P’Oil, the house owner just tell me today that I need to leave on April 13rd or probably latest April 15th due to the fact that her daughter’s friend gonna come to her house and create a summer school in her house during this summer time. Usually they stayed somewhere further but they cannot stay anymore ( well that’s the most I can understand).

After hearing that I’m running into a complete crazy mode, where I cannot think or do anything. I just sat there very long, and I feel like my heart is pounding so fast. My panic attack comes with the continuous search, I remember Tim once told me, you are like a tank, you will just push through and find the answer without noticing how much harm you has done one the way to the answer. While panicking this morning, I was able to observe my panic.

I spent the whole day today thinking about my panic moment.

Well, let me go back a little bit, my doctor told me that I’m suffering from what it’s called “Adrenal Gland fatigue from Chronic Stress” . My partner told me to search for a reason why I’m so stress out all the time. So much that my body is really acting up from time to time. I’m also wondering why do I still feel stress even though I’m living a no stress life ?

After the panic moment today, perhaps my constant stress is because I don’t have a place to call HOME ? I was going from places to places, cities after cities to create these temporary home. I recalled just about 3 months ago, the same panic moment happened, I suddenly doesn’t have a place to stay in Phuket. I did the same thing, panic, searching and call my partner asking where should I go to stay. It was Chiang Mai that he suggested me, and then I feel calm. The same thing happen again now, it seems like I’m running in circle without a solution. I guess this feeling has been following me since the day I left Saigon back in September 2018. The day I left that place which I very specifically chose to call ” my mother’s house”, I reject the existence of it. I deny to call it HOME, there’s too much pain in the place that I can no longer stay there.

The place I used to call home has a mixture of happiness and pain. Happiness came when Dad was back home, I enjoyed going back home so much. Instead of optimizing the time to be out of home as much as possible, I optimized to be home as much as possible. Because when Dad was home, Mom wouldn’t be angry, I wouldn’t be yell at, the house brightened up. Dad would open the door with an incredible smile on his face, we sat and talked for hours till he’s so sleepy that he said he needs to go to sleep now. Since he’s gone, it’s just filled with pain. There’s no more balance on the other side.

I would never ever go back to that place to live again. I just can’t. The thought of living in that painful place terrifies me so much. So much drama, so much bullshit, so much pain.

No matter how the next week or month will come, please don’t put me back to that horror place. If you could hear me, Ba, please help me. I know, I supposed to stay, and I’m supposed to take the responsibility, but I just can’t. I’m suffocating just to think about it. Like right now, I feel like I cannot breath at all.

I will not dig deeper into this for now.