I haven’t really written anything on this page for 6 days, that’s almost a week. It felt so much longer in my mind though.

Part of the reason I wasn’t writing anything on the blog is because I was not well last week, it started with a little bit of eye infection, then a little bit of sneeze, then a little bit of sore throat. I was a little bit tired, every time I went in and out of the building they took my temperature, so I know I didn’t have any fever. It was consistently 36 or 36.1. I spent 3 days in bed, my head was spinning every time I stand up. I test my sense of smell everyday by sniffing the bottle of fish sauce, haha ( there’s a little voice saying maybe you got Covid? ) I took a lot of vitamin, it helped. I started getting better on Saturday, then on Sunday I felt like myself again.

The other reason, and I think it’s the main reason, I felt very blank, very empty. I’m not so sure how else I would phrase this state of self, just simply blank. Like a plateau stage, I’m not happy nor sad. I feel like I was just existing without a soul. Like my soul was taking a trip outside of my body for couple days. I felt like my mind was in “The Void”, like a soulless homeless being wandering in the Nothingness. I’m not so sure how to feel about this stage. Unlike sadness, I often let it stay for 3 days, then I want to “shake it off”. Or happiness, I often bring myself to this state for as long as I can.

With blank state, I don’t really know. Perhaps, it’s the low energy, the disconnection with the natural world for awhile that makes me feel this way. It was raining 2 days ago, the first rain of the raining season, and I didn’t know when was it, how long was it, and how heavy was it. It was only until I stepped out to the playground of the building, and notice the wet pavement, and the wet grass that I knew it was raining. That’s how disconnected I was with the outside world. I don’t like it.

I don’t like how cities are built.
I don’t like living in the city.
I don’t like how disconnect I am.
I don’t like how the buildings trapped humans inside, and then trapped their minds as well.

I spoke to my therapist twice this week, he always started by telling me :” So what’s been bothering you” , and I would tell him: I’m not so sure, I felt like I don’t know what to talk about. Then we talk for awhile. He gave me some homework, something to contemplate about. I didn’t think about it, more like I didn’t the psychic energy to think about it. So I thought, I’m writing this blog today to clear my head space a bit, before I can contemplate on anything else.

He made a remarkable observation yesterday though, which uncovers the deeper layer of the things that trouble my mind, I would like quote here again so that I can look back sometimes.

Your real fight is not with your mother or with anybody’s parents. It is with the role of an authority figure, or someone elderly that you are expected to respect without question. The core issue is POWER. The most frightening aspect seems to be losing your sense of agency and independence of thought. For this reason, you are aversive to communicate or interact with people who according to society, wield this power.

You advocate a live a life that you have charted out, by yourself. You are quite analytical and listen to your gut. You decide your action based on how they feel to you, not based on what is expected of you. Therefore, introducing these power can be catastrophic in your mind’s eye.

I think this statement makes it clearer the situation that I was in or now still in. I’m frightening of the thought of living in my mother house, or in anybody mother’s house is because of this Power. In my mother’s house, I feel like I have to obey and submit. I don’t have the voice or power. I’m not allowed to make mistake. The so-called “freedom and independence” that I often discuss with my therapist is the freedom from the societal obligation.

Perhaps, that’s also why I felt like I have grown tremendously ever since I stepped out of my mother house. The freedom that I felt, was the freedom from the unspoken power – the societal obligation, the expectations, the duty, the guilt the any elder person can put on my shoulder.

With this information on hands, by understanding the principle of it, I have come to the conclusion. There’s really no way that I could ever live in my mother’s house, or just someone elderly’s house. I can only live with a roommate, a partner, somebody who’s equal to me.

I highly value personal development. Without independence of thought, there really is no way that I could grow and learn. Without seeing progression in myself, it would be tragic. The tragedy that I would never let myself in again .. ever.

I’d like to ponder on this thought a bit more, and would like to end this note with a famous quote that is dear to my heart

“One of the secrets to staying young is to always do things you don’t know how to do, to keep learning.”

Ruth Reichl

PS: Writing makes me feel good 🙂