Landon: You in Saigon?
Mai: Yes
Landon: Happy?
Mai: Way better than camp
Landon: But you didn’t say happy. You are always that way. Never have clear answer

Hi, it’s me in a different place again. This time, in my comfy bed, in a huge bedroom with proper AC gently flow over my skin.

Couple days after camp was quite hectic, well it’s still hectic up until this evening. Starting tomorrow, I’m gonna have a bit of time to do my things and relax.

I kept thinking about what Landon ask me, and the way I answer it. I’m not exactly sure how I feel at this moment. Being back to mother’s house was nice, meeting anh Chung was nice, how come I don’t have this contentment feeling. Truth is I guess I have a lot of unprocessed emotions that it created a barrier around me. I used to feel this feeling of happiness around him, I used to feel this excitement evert time we met. Now it’s still nice but not as nice.

I stayed over at his place, and I felt unwelcome. “Trật tự của căn phòng mình bị hỗn loạn” ” không được vứt đồ gì ra sàn” “không được đi qua bên này đụng vào cây đàn của tôi” “Cái này là cái gì đây” . I felt like I’m an annoying, clumsy, stupid person who doesn’t know a thing or two. I was an unwelcomed guest in a perhaps holy sanctuary. I felt uncomfortable, and unsafe. I need to leave. That led me to wonder it it going to be like this? Because if it’s gonna be like this, there’s no way on earth that we could ever live together.

I know that I was the one at fault, so maybe this is the way I should be treated. Or NOT !! I deserved better than this. Our love has changed into something perhaps not love anymore, perhaps it’s just a shadow of what used to be. There’s no more affectionate, no loving, no compassion, no empathy, no nothing. This is not what I need.

First there was no interdependent, I don’t trust him to ask to do anything because it never get done. Then there’s no more love gesture, then there’s no more language. I stopped writing handwritten letter because I never got any response. I stopped expect any kind of caring, or asking for any kind of caring. I was wondering what left of us?

I’m tired of being sorry. I don’t want to take this responsibility anymore. I don’t want to be the one who kept doing this task of trying to connect. I’m tired. I felt sorry for myself, I felt that I have let other people hurt me, until I can’t take it anymore.

Maybe I was holding onto something that no longer exist. Perhaps, I should really look directly into what is happening.

I’m not exactly sure how I felt right now? All I know I don’t feel “vui” anymore. And that used to be the only thing that matters to me.