I’m trying to think of a title for what I’m about to write and just seem to can’t find it. My life for the last 3 months has turned upside down couple times. Some good, some bad, some really bad.

Today marks the first day I’m officially outside of my mother’s house. This time, for good. I feel as light as a flowing river. I know and I totally understand that Family is very important, and that I need to try hard. Honestly, I tried my very best. I’m hurt, I’m exhausted, perhaps, it’s for the best that I stay alone and never get near.

The other day, my therapist described me as following: “Someone who’s abused emotionally through childhood, with the only loved one die so suddenly. Someone, deep inside, doesn’t believe in commitment, because even the one she trust the most left her unexpectedly. “ . It’s so poignant to describe myself as that, though there’s nothing I can do to change that, the only thing I can do is to acknowledge it, and aware of it.

I think the reason why I’m still holding on to “The thing” ( I’m not sure what to call it now ) between me and Camel is because I see myself in him and vice versa. I think he’s also someone who’s abused emotionally through the entire childhood, almost lost his loved one and there’s a threat that she’s gonna leave anytime. Thus, unconsciously, he also doesn’t believe in commitment” I think Camel has it even harder than I am in all aspect.

We must have found ourselves in each other and desperately wanted to heal each other. We were and still are the mirror of each other. We have the same reaction, and same behavior. I can totally understand his shoes, because I once were exactly like him. That’s the reason why we are clinging on to each other up until now.

This is a very unhealthy way to deal in a relationship. Actually, it’s very unhealthy for the 2 of us. I can only speak to myself, if I sustain this “thing”, I’m taking the time away from finding my actual partner. I’m starting to accept the fact that Camel will not grow together with me. I was there once, I know. Sadly, no matter how much I love him, no matter how much I’m willing to try, there’s no way I can force it. The only thing I can do is to withdraw myself from the battle and find my partner somewhere else.

I can only guess what’s one Camel’s mind. It’s also unhealthy for him. I know that he needs his space, and time to heal. The more I sustain this, the bigger his wound is.

Yet, I’m still here. Despite all the logic, I’m still here. standing at the exact roundabout, going round and round in circle, afraid of every turn I’m about to take. I think he’s also doing the same, going round and round in circle with me, afraid of whatever turn he’s about to take.

My friend told me that, I have a piece of guilt inside me. In the past, I didn’t try my best, I let fear lead the way, I am plagued by guilt. So with this relationship, I’m doing everything I can. It’s almost like I have to prove to myself more that I prove to Camel, that I will do whatever it takes to mend this about to be broken relationship. That I will try my very best, to make it work.

You know what it’s like when you click with someone, right? It’s more than just a physical attraction. There’s another force at play, like gravity drawing you two together. You can resist it, but you can’t escape it without exerting tremendous energy, like a rocket trying to free itself from the earth’s atmosphere. That’s chemistry. I think this is what still binding between me and Camel.

May the Force be with me and Camel