Fast forward a month, lots and lots and lots of things happened in between those days. Stories that I think can fit into a book, my eventful life never stop being eventful. Have you head of the term ” Never a dull moment”? I think I was destined to live that phrase to the max.

I just want to jot down some of the major events that happened, sort of like a note to myself about thing that I might forget:

I stopped talking to my mother altogether, all we exchange is texting about money, but I never share any life details. I sort of live in my own world and it’s such a relief. I felt good being myself without any kind of criticism or materialism. Not to say that it’s all good, I also feel a very big kind of sadness. Saigon used to be the place I’m most afraid to go back, but it’s all come down to the one house I’m most afraid to go back to – My mother’s house – somewhere I used to call home. This Saturday is my father’s death anniversary. I went through emotional drama of ups and downs to decide how I’m gonna go back. I needed backup, I texted my aunt who will help me going to my mother’s house. Isn’t that so weird? I need to prep real hard. I will be in and out with the support of my aunt. And that was it, I will be back again on Tet? I know that I don’t want to fix this.

There was a fire going on in the building and the only thing I brought out with me is my day bag, probably just some small change and a bottle of water.

The first person I thought of telling is Camel, but that might just be a habit. Then there’s no one else, I ran down the staircase and didn’t really thing or afraid that I might die. As I was running down, I feel heat, but instead of thinking about dying, my mind just totally focus on helping others what if we have to run backup etc …

It was as if this body can vanish anytime, I don’t really care. I’ve lived a life and it’s time to go. I did what’s necessary, there’s still something I want to do more but if I have to go it’s okay too.

Because I was so free, while running down the staircase I was looking to help others. There was an old lady who’s running at a constant speed, there was a young lady with a very very small child but she seems to be okay too. I mean overall everyone is okay so I’m trying to get out of everyone’s space so that we can move faster together. I brought this up with my therapist, saying I have a question: due to this critical incident I have a realization that I attached to nothing. I mean literally nothing, human, animals, money, lands, houses. It doesn’t really matter. My question was: Is it okay to be like so?

Mai’s therapist : You know why do angel fly?
Because they take themselves light …
It took years and years of ” đi tu” in order to achieve this state, and it’s not a guaranteed result. So you are more than okay.
Mai: But what about the normal thing like, if I die what about my mother, what about my sister. I did not think of that, am I an ungrateful person? What about 2 big stash of cash in my drawer, and 2 pieces of deeds of the land? I remembered them when I ran out, it was just I thought it’s gonna be heavy, so I left them behind. Is it okay?
Mai’s therapist : Your father left you right? All of the sudden, out of nowhere, your world crashed in a very hard way. What will you say to him now?
Mai: I’m fine, I’m okay, you’ve lived a great life. It’s a bit of unfortunate that we have to part so early. But there’s nothing we could do, so be okay dad. I’m okay too.
Mai’s therapist: See? it’s gonna be the same too. The people around you will be sad because you left, but it will last 1 week max, and life goes back to the way it is.

I stopped talking to Camel. There’s a certain realization that is happening to me over the weeks. I’m reading all of my blog post and it’s just so very clear. I need a person who can share with me emotionally. The difference between the husband and wife and others are we are having a connection emotionally. I’m already quite lonely in this world, the odd one out and this will just amplify my loneliness in the world. Sadly and unfortunately, there’s nothing that I can do when a person decided to close off. I’m still reflecting on this matter and the more I reflect the more I think I’m ready for a new partner.