I joined a meditation class today, it’s called “Brain Massage”, in which we are using 2 types of brain wave – Gamma (40hz) and Delta to “massage the brain”. In the first 15 minutes, I was lost actually lost in total darkness. He said that I achieved something remarkable – the “Seek Nothing” state in Japanese Zen type. It’s a strange, uneasy state, I guess I’m not used to it yet.

In the class, the teacher explains the meaning of stress, the difference between prejudice and expectation. He presented a photo of hectic traffic and a zen garden, of how in the midst of traffic jam, we can find our zen garden. I never have problem with driving in traffic. I never got angry.

I never have any problem with driving. I actually love driving. Most of my thoughts and my realization coming from driving, my aha moment almost always coming from a drive. When I still owned a car, my most favorite thing to do is to took the car out and drove around. These days, driving my electric bicycle is a good compensation. I still think so much while I drive. It was as if the road between work and home doesn’t exist. If you ask me what did I see on the road home, I would tell you that I saw nothing, I can’t remember a thing that is happening outside. I was totally lost inside my head and my world. That’s why I never have any problem with traffic jam. I was just always somewhere else.

Driving seems like a conditional requirement for myself to actually start thinking. It is through driving or moving ( walks does this too) that I can make a good decision. Sometimes I find myself actually talking to myself – Out loud like an actual dialogue. I bet people on the street find me so weird, that’s why driving inside a car would help me better so I don’t look like a coo coo person :D. This process of thinking does not happen if I’m in the passenger seat.

I don’t want to own a car, it’s a lot of work and a lot of duties. But I would love to have a drive every now and then. Like I miss the feeling of when the rain falling down, and I started getting my car out and drove to nowhere. Sometimes just a very big round till the rain shut. I don’t want to drive a big car, I want a small cozy one. It’s a joy that I will consider in the future.

I have a theory of why driving is my favorite thing to do. It’s an escape from … my mother. I’m not sure it’s a sad thing or a lucky thing that I develop this skills. Living with my mother (when Dad is not around) is like a nest with lots of spikes. I really have to tip toe around so that I won’t get hurt. My mother, she’s always frustrated when Dad’s not around. I understand this, and I really know how to “survive” under this regime. Escaping and running away is the best thing that I could do. Know what? I’m still escaping right now, this moment. I just did 2 months ago, out forever.

I guess those time when I successfully running outside, it was with joy- a very simple joy of not getting yelled at, criticized or just simply not feeling her angry vibe. I’m not saying my mother is not a good mother. She did what she knew best with great intention. The concept of “Thương cho roi cho vọt” has embedded deeply in herself, so much that it’s all she can do. All of the words coming from her onto me is a true practice of that. It’s a constant stream of nagging and more nagging.

I mentioned my mother today because tomorrow I will have to face her. I haven’t spoken to her for a good 2 months. Is it bad that I actually feel nothing? Like I don’t feel guilt, or the need to fix, or the need to talk? I know people will use this word “Family is family, mother is mother, I have to fix it”. I know, I understand this thoroughly. I just don’t feel like it.

Imagine you have an evil friend, and you don’t want to be with that evil friend. You can simply say good bye, block the phone number and bye bye forever. I can’t do that with my mother, unfortunately. It’s like I’m stuck with this evil witch for the rest of life. I can’t choose my mother and I will never can escape from her completely.

In the past year, I tried really hard to fix this. I think my mother can’t change herself, she’s old and is not equipped to change. I healed my inner child, I understand the word she’s giving is an act of love. I tried multiple approach, but as soon as I gets a little bit closer, I got hurt very bad. Imagine my mother is a Tornado, and I’m the storm chaser. The closer I got to the tornado the more hurt I received. 2 months ago, I actually get very deep inside the tornado and that’s when everything crashed and burnt.

I know I’m a bad, ungrateful, disgrace kid. I understand it completely. But love is not a given thing and it’s not unconditional. Love needs a lot of warmth, care and work. Love doesn’t mean criticizing, yelling and more criticizing. I can’t love my mother, I have the compassion for her for her mental illness but I can’t love my mother. I’m not Dalai Lama. My inner child is too damage and too hurt that it can’t accept the painful love that my mother is still trying to push onto me.

Wow! It took 3 paragraphs for me to describe my frustration about our future encounter tomorrow. I think it speaks millions. I have been worried about this meeting for 2 weeks now.

Isn’t that so sad? A child’s worst fear is to meet her own mother in the place she used to called home.

Isn’t that a very sad thing?
….