15/11/2020
I ended yesterday post with the phrase : ” Isn’t that so sad? A child’s worst fear is to meet her own mother in the place she used to called home. Isn’t that a very sad thing?” . This phrase followed me all day today. I imagined a small child sitting outside somewhere at the bus stop, and afraid to get onto the bus to go to her mother’s place. I want to comfort the child, saying it’s okay, you don’t have to go to your mother’s place, you can be here with me, I will take care of you.
Today encounter is … awkward and in a way painful. I was there inside her house for a full hour and it felt like 10,000 years have passed. All I wanted to do as soon as I stepped in is to leave. I felt so small and so invisible in that place. It was very awkward, I stepped in with no greetings, making myself a bowl of noodle and sit down to eat. It was as if I was the Untouchables (the one 4th class in India) . There was no contacts, no talkings, no nothing.
I wanted to leave, my body and my soul wanted to scream out loud, let’s leave this place. You don’t have to be here.
Like a child crying for help. I can’t survive here
I was hitting myself to the small details like: ” I should have filled the bowl of Mì Quảng half empty so it could be finished faster”. I looked around the house and my sister’s boyfriend’s stuff ( who happened to be my competitor, who copied all my idea) is all around and I realized there’s no place for me. This place is so small there’s no place for me. These people’s mind is so small, there no longer space left for me
16/11/2020
I couldn’t finish this blog post yesterday, I’m not so sure why. I found myself sitting in silent on Saturday evening. Not doing much, just sitting, ordering food but it tasteless, so I didn’t finish it, then I went to sleep. On the way back home, I mean my own apartment, a thought pop up in my head: Do I need these people in my life? Let put myself in the worst situation I can imagine: I have cancer stage 4. Do I want to ask for their help to take care of my when I’m sick? The answer is No. It was a straight no. I mean I don’t have much in this life, I don’t feel like I should fight for my life when I have cancer. As long as I’m living ecological with myself then I’m okay.
Back to the “awkward” situation in my mother’s house. I survived it and though I was like the untouchables, I was happy and okay to leave. My evil witch just right there, right at the moment my guard is down, she shot me – twice. They whole time I was there, there was no conversation exchanging, as if I was not existing. But when I left, my mother gave me 2 sentences: ”
You are keeping the key of the 15.01 apartment in Vung tau, return it.
- You have taken the hand blender in the house, return it back.
Wow, even writing this 2 sentences give chills to my spine. It even hurts me to read. There I was preparing for questions like how am I doing, how’s the store is doing, how much money do I make, you know mundane stuff. The evil witch’s reaction wayyy beyond my expectation. No matter how much I prepared, I can never compete. I know this pattern of behavior. She has this in her mind for awhile now, and that’s all in her mind – Her stuff. She has to hold it inside her the whole time, and planned to spit it out when I was about to leave.
What I did? I went back to the class, but immediately return the hand blender as soon as I can. I have to win this battle, I need to “throw it back” in her face that I don’t need this stuff. Please take all the stuff you want. Writing this down, I felt angry. My inner child is hurt, and angry very angry.
Long story short, I didn’t go to the following ceremony of my grandma’s death anniversary. I don’t want to face these people. There’s just simply no space and no place for me. I didn’t send any messages. I just simply did not show up and for now, it will be it.
What I needed to do right now is to take care of myself. Life is hard on its own, but with a person who’s bringing with herself a lot of scars, it’s a bit harder. I found peace in my own home. I hope one day I will find peace within myself.
