Something happened yesterday, a girl in my building who’s kinda my friend got very upset and she sounds like she needed someone to be with, so I invited her over. I was happy to be able to comfort her but also there’s another voice in my head telling me that I was supposed to do something else and now I’m wasting time with this person. After she left though, I felt like if I wouldn’t have done it, I would feel sad and as if I’ve done something wrong. Anyway long story short, I was explaining why I couldn’t find time to write about my experience yesterday.
I have joined a 21 day mirror work to practice talking to self. I skipped yesterday lesson but did today. It was like wow, I haven’t really looked at myself in a long while. There are 2 things that is happening when I looked at myself:
- I felt familiar with the smiling one
- I felt completely estranged with the neutral face of me. To the point that sometimes I have to give myself a big smile in order to feel familiar again.
I haven’t really looked at myself in the mirror, and this experience is so profound. I realize that I’m estranged to myself a lot. No wonder why I kept on wanting to die since I don’t except this body I think.
Here’s today lesson:
What do you want right now and you don’t have it yet?
I want connection, deep, profound human connection. The kind of connection that is so gentle, warm, loving and kind. I want a lot of human connection and I also want an exclusive connection.
Khi bạn lớn lên, những quy luât về xứng đáng là gì? Bạn có luôn phải nỗ lực để xứng đáng?
Xứng đáng là hoàn thành xuất sắc những việc quan trọng, những task của mình. Học phải thông thạo, ko được nghỉ học, ko được đi trễ, phải đạt kết quả cao.
I don’t neccesarily try so hard. I mean I feel like I didn’t try hard but the result come. Or I do try really hard but I don’t approve it. Wow this is something new. Objective speaking, I do work really hard. Ever since being a student, I always work so hard. But I never acknowledge my working hard, I always said that I could have done more. I guess I don’t approve myself, the being “xứng đáng” is never achievable ? I always want to be the best?
Liệu có phải khi bạn làm sai thì bạn bị lấy đi thứ gì đó?
hmmmm. I’m not so sure about this question. I know that I don’t want to do wrong, but I always have myself to forgive myself. For example, if I lose my headphones, I will have myself to be on my side and purchase a new one without yelling or something something bad to me.
Bạn có cảm thấy rằng mình xứng đáng để sống? Để có niềm vui sướng?
hmmm, I have been pondering 🤔 about this idea to live recently. I think I can live, I mean, I’m a good worker. I create jobs, I bring joys to ppl, a lot of livelihood depends on me. I also think I’m allowed to have fun.
But …
Life is tiring, why do I have to wake up early every morning to do Yoga? Why do I have to go to work and do work? Why do I have to live? Sometimes life feel like a task that I have to do.
The feeling that observe while writing down these answers:
I feel tired, twist and turn. I don’t feel comfortable. So much that after writing down these answer I want to go straight to bed and sleep because somehow it’s quite exhausting. I not sure why?
I also feel my chest is tired, like so heavy.
That was it for today.