I stumble upon this question while watching movie on Netflix last night. I haven’t had time to watch Netflix in a very very longggg while. So long that I can’t remember the last time I turned on the TV. I had 2 TVs in my apartment, one is mine, one belongs to the owner. It’s massive, and I never turned the one in the bedroom, the one in the living room, rarely.

I went home quite late last night, around 9 PM, I was supposed to do the mirror work but I didn’t. I decided that I want to do something reckless tonight, I wanted to just sit and watch Netflix until 2 AM. And I did, it’s like I want to play, to just do nothing rather than a “hot list” waiting for me to do, task after task.

I don’t want to live anymore. That’s the voice inside my head was telling me. I kept on searching for the meaning of everything I do, but there are days like yesterday and nights that I just don’t want to live anymore.

I think long and hard about the question that I asked myself

What do you want to happen?

The thing about tricky question is: we always have an answer, we do, it’s just whether we want to say it out loud or not. Yesterday, I have an answer, it’s a strange answer that I never thought I would want.

I want my father alive, I want to tell my father the truth about my life. I want my father to be truthful to himself as well.

AND

If My father was to alive, my child would have been alive as well. If my father is still alive at that point, my child would be with me. I know it. He would embrace me and my child, my child will have the coolest granddad in a whole wide world. I would teach my child the best English she could speak. I was so alone at that point, that I have to choose what’s best for me.

I chose the hospital, I met the doctor, I planned out. All of the emotional turmoil, I have to do by myself. I have to be calm for Camel as well.

There’s something I never tell a single soul on earth. The day I went to the second hospital, I met a friend. She was pregnant, about 4 or 5 months in. She asked my where I’m going inside the hospital at this ward. I of course just said for a normal checkup.

Every since then, once in a full moon I visited her profile, to see and imagine what my child would have been.

I remembered vividly after the extraction, I went to see my therapist. The word I’m using is “relieved”. It’s like I’m tired to have to be strong for others, I have to be strong for both me and Camel at that point. I have to stay calm, relax and be positive.

I think that explains why I wanted my father to be alive, because my father can be strong for me. That I don’t have to be calm, relax and be positive, I just have to be me at a certain point in life. Oh, how I wanted to be me.

I’m still crying while writing these notes out. I feel like someone has pulled my heart and tore it apart.

I stayed up until 2 AM last night, and be in bed until 12:00 PM today, and I’m typing these notes.

I think I’m going into Depression. Or I’m already terribly depressed.

Who knows?